Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
You stood like a hero
Over a shining sea
That sea of obstacles just for me
You made me promises
Promises that you couldn't keep
To guide me over this water
And wipe every tear I weep.
The sun flowed behind your back
I smile at the image everytime I'm looking back.
You were such a flame to fire
In a darkened freezing wood
I feel remorse now that I think of it
Not having done everything I could.
My years flawed my chances
And the challenges, you guided me through some
But they were not half the depth of my heart
You've guided me through none
None that truly matter.
I don't hate you
I don't find you disagree
I don't wait for you
To show your glowing face.
I find that you held sins
Accidents you couldn't rid
Sins that ruined your life
An auction where no one would bid.
I've added years to being livid
Thinking you were timid.
I've added years full of fault
I've added to your wounds more salt.
Some of this hold truth
But I don't find you fault.
You were caught in a game
That held only fatal result,
You've added years of an obstacle, yes
You shine over my sea no more.
You've drowned in my freezing mess
An ocean too far from shore.
You've turned into a lesson of dread
of mourning, of sadness, to forgive.
It's a part of my life to recall that you're dead
But to remember you when you had lived.
Sometimes I see your flame under my sea
Sometimes I wish to see the shore
And in your flame it's reminding me
It was always your heart I adored.
You were my enemy
You were my regret
You were my sadness.
You are my hero
You are my friend
You are my guide.
My heart sinks in the sea
Because I can feel you beside me.
You're trying to lift me back up
But I can't decipher happiness
Between myself and this mess.
This statement is half the truth
The other half is a lie.
You stole a piece of my heart
The day you had to die.
These songs
No longer had meaning
These photos
No longer hold depth
How the fuck am I supposed
To find hope,
When all I see is your death?
I can't reedem it
You won't give it up.
I'll never get over it
And that's just how I fucking feel.
Because I'll play truth
While he'll play dead
The rest of the world
A tear won't shed.
So fuck being strong
And fuck the moral to forgive
Because I'll accept being wrong
As long as I can feel what I feel
As long as I fucking live.
Over a shining sea
That sea of obstacles just for me
You made me promises
Promises that you couldn't keep
To guide me over this water
And wipe every tear I weep.
The sun flowed behind your back
I smile at the image everytime I'm looking back.
You were such a flame to fire
In a darkened freezing wood
I feel remorse now that I think of it
Not having done everything I could.
My years flawed my chances
And the challenges, you guided me through some
But they were not half the depth of my heart
You've guided me through none
None that truly matter.
I don't hate you
I don't find you disagree
I don't wait for you
To show your glowing face.
I find that you held sins
Accidents you couldn't rid
Sins that ruined your life
An auction where no one would bid.
I've added years to being livid
Thinking you were timid.
I've added years full of fault
I've added to your wounds more salt.
Some of this hold truth
But I don't find you fault.
You were caught in a game
That held only fatal result,
You've added years of an obstacle, yes
You shine over my sea no more.
You've drowned in my freezing mess
An ocean too far from shore.
You've turned into a lesson of dread
of mourning, of sadness, to forgive.
It's a part of my life to recall that you're dead
But to remember you when you had lived.
Sometimes I see your flame under my sea
Sometimes I wish to see the shore
And in your flame it's reminding me
It was always your heart I adored.
You were my enemy
You were my regret
You were my sadness.
You are my hero
You are my friend
You are my guide.
My heart sinks in the sea
Because I can feel you beside me.
You're trying to lift me back up
But I can't decipher happiness
Between myself and this mess.
This statement is half the truth
The other half is a lie.
You stole a piece of my heart
The day you had to die.
These songs
No longer had meaning
These photos
No longer hold depth
How the fuck am I supposed
To find hope,
When all I see is your death?
I can't reedem it
You won't give it up.
I'll never get over it
And that's just how I fucking feel.
Because I'll play truth
While he'll play dead
The rest of the world
A tear won't shed.
So fuck being strong
And fuck the moral to forgive
Because I'll accept being wrong
As long as I can feel what I feel
As long as I fucking live.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Transparent to shadowed souls
Stop mentally blinking, people. You could know it all if you just stopped for a second and forgot about the chains that held you to the ground. They're only transparent, as are your shadowed souls.
A few things. I don't sleep, authority pisses me off subconsciously, shakespeare has gotten to me, and I've had the word Riot in my head all day so I had to use it.
22 Dec 2009
I've found my ink too general
so I search
and I find
and I question.
Do you know?
Does she see?
Would I care?
Does he think?
Blink.
Life leaves you dense.
Your mind too heavy
to question those of
authority.
We obey
because if we dare
betray
we stare at cell bars
and blocks of cold concrete.
Would you stand to your feet?
Riot and scream?
Never decieve?
Stand up fror what you believe?
You tell me.
I want to know.
Free it from your mind
because I find judgement
a hyprocrite's lover
and I see those who dwell in that
drown in so called lover.
Hold it.
Do we think thoughts in
descended ideas?
Do we see visions of
supernatural above
our heads and allow it
to sway with the wind,
always?
Flashes
of green that infect your shadowed souls
see it as it passes.
Could you believe?
Respond to the molds
you created with passion
But people forget.
But people let go.
But I withold.
Could I see danger
in what I find
convenience?
You tell me.
I want to know.
I find what I question
in constant repitition
if their thoughts and mind
are twine to mine
Would I flee?
Would I vanish to soul state?
If I flashed a green light
to shadowed souls?
Are you free
from invasion?
Are you free
from temptation?
Would you recall so well?
Maybe I see as you dwell
for what you wish wasn't.
Are secrets true? Or are they all fake?
Or do we have an unspoken mistake?
Do I know strangers? walking down a path
knowing one from another, a laugh from a laugh?
Do think what you really see?
Do you see what you really think?
Blink
Which one rights the wrong?
let it be
says authority.
I say, obviously:
You tell me.
I want to know
but you say
okay.
Did you see yourself sway
with the wind, up and away?
You blinked.
(:
A few things. I don't sleep, authority pisses me off subconsciously, shakespeare has gotten to me, and I've had the word Riot in my head all day so I had to use it.
22 Dec 2009
I've found my ink too general
so I search
and I find
and I question.
Do you know?
Does she see?
Would I care?
Does he think?
Blink.
Life leaves you dense.
Your mind too heavy
to question those of
authority.
We obey
because if we dare
betray
we stare at cell bars
and blocks of cold concrete.
Would you stand to your feet?
Riot and scream?
Never decieve?
Stand up fror what you believe?
You tell me.
I want to know.
Free it from your mind
because I find judgement
a hyprocrite's lover
and I see those who dwell in that
drown in so called lover.
Hold it.
Do we think thoughts in
descended ideas?
Do we see visions of
supernatural above
our heads and allow it
to sway with the wind,
always?
Flashes
of green that infect your shadowed souls
see it as it passes.
Could you believe?
Respond to the molds
you created with passion
But people forget.
But people let go.
But I withold.
Could I see danger
in what I find
convenience?
You tell me.
I want to know.
I find what I question
in constant repitition
if their thoughts and mind
are twine to mine
Would I flee?
Would I vanish to soul state?
If I flashed a green light
to shadowed souls?
Are you free
from invasion?
Are you free
from temptation?
Would you recall so well?
Maybe I see as you dwell
for what you wish wasn't.
Are secrets true? Or are they all fake?
Or do we have an unspoken mistake?
Do I know strangers? walking down a path
knowing one from another, a laugh from a laugh?
Do think what you really see?
Do you see what you really think?
Blink
Which one rights the wrong?
let it be
says authority.
I say, obviously:
You tell me.
I want to know
but you say
okay.
Did you see yourself sway
with the wind, up and away?
You blinked.
(:
Monday, December 21, 2009
Enlighten
I knew a girl very long ago,
at the start of her teenage years.
She was always in a state so low,
Always ridden with tears.
There was family portrait to be taken
Her happy soul you couldn't awaken.
Never to be guided with good fortune,
Demons upon demons surrounding her.
"Sweetheart, you smile so vacantly.
Think happy thoughts creatively."
She conjures none in her stone gray head.
You can't change the past, it's dead.
"You were never sad, never alone
How do you know being depression prone?
Do you know why my heart is stone?
what do you know about being alone?"
Her dreams when slumber appears?
They're full of happiness, with not one tear.
Them being parallel, erased when awake
No smiles are hers to take.
Her dreams were in fields, the sun and grass
she lay flowers upon his grave with class.
You could say he stole her heart then flew away,
Replacing it with stones, day after day.
As time moves on she moves from shadows,
them being triumphed by the sun.
One day a Little Girl came to her and said,
"you can't change the past. what's done is done."
In this dream, Little Girl held a flower,
An aura- glowed deep red with power.
But she just smiled happily,
she wanted Stone Girl to reach.
Stone Girl looks at the flower with confusion
Little girl say, " whats matters? I'm just an illusion."
Stone Girl took the flower in her hands and it died,
Little Girl ran away and cried and cried.
Stone Girl awakes with a strange occurrence
She remembers the dream with complete endurance.
Little Girl cried and ran for miles,
Stone Girl awakes and truly smiles.
That red flower, that defined perfection daisy
Glowing with red, making her eyes hazy.
She took the perfect flower in her hands
it dries and dies, Stone Girl understands.
I knew a girl very long ago,
Demons wouldn't let her be.
The destined dream replaced a heart from stones
That Stone Girl, used to be me.
at the start of her teenage years.
She was always in a state so low,
Always ridden with tears.
There was family portrait to be taken
Her happy soul you couldn't awaken.
Never to be guided with good fortune,
Demons upon demons surrounding her.
"Sweetheart, you smile so vacantly.
Think happy thoughts creatively."
She conjures none in her stone gray head.
You can't change the past, it's dead.
"You were never sad, never alone
How do you know being depression prone?
Do you know why my heart is stone?
what do you know about being alone?"
Her dreams when slumber appears?
They're full of happiness, with not one tear.
Them being parallel, erased when awake
No smiles are hers to take.
Her dreams were in fields, the sun and grass
she lay flowers upon his grave with class.
You could say he stole her heart then flew away,
Replacing it with stones, day after day.
As time moves on she moves from shadows,
them being triumphed by the sun.
One day a Little Girl came to her and said,
"you can't change the past. what's done is done."
In this dream, Little Girl held a flower,
An aura- glowed deep red with power.
But she just smiled happily,
she wanted Stone Girl to reach.
Stone Girl looks at the flower with confusion
Little girl say, " whats matters? I'm just an illusion."
Stone Girl took the flower in her hands and it died,
Little Girl ran away and cried and cried.
Stone Girl awakes with a strange occurrence
She remembers the dream with complete endurance.
Little Girl cried and ran for miles,
Stone Girl awakes and truly smiles.
That red flower, that defined perfection daisy
Glowing with red, making her eyes hazy.
She took the perfect flower in her hands
it dries and dies, Stone Girl understands.
I knew a girl very long ago,
Demons wouldn't let her be.
The destined dream replaced a heart from stones
That Stone Girl, used to be me.
Hope and Love but Doubt
"If you want this disease"
It's a choice.
"If you want to set your heart free"
Have a voice.
What most don't comprehend
is what we can't see.
Hold love, Hope and doubt in your hands.
"who do you want to be?"
These three components, they're straight fact
A disease you can choose to consume.
"But once you agree, you can't turn back"
They're toxic and permanent fumes.
These terms of hope? Patience it ignores
A happily fought feud in your heart.
Terminate patience an dpain will restore
A pain shot to skin like a dart.
This agreement that love beckons?
Well, now you're just screwed.
It'll enlighten for vary seconds
then infect you, like you knew.
But doubt is the cancer cell
it's a packaged deal
with Hope and Love, can you tell?
This will make you feel.
It's a disease you can never rid
And in Radiation Love will grow
Forgetting everything that they did
Acceptance will make your heart glow.
It's a disease that we all once chose.
Wheter you, or you, ever knew
In our eyes in reflects and show
to terms we couldn't hold true.
It's a black and white romance
That infects us and shouts
Shaking our bones, making us dance
with hope and love--
Cancerous with doubt,
I see it in you, and you , and you.
Remember when you stop glowing
that is overdue when you lose your crown,
that Hope and Love are temporarily a happy defeat
And it breaks you down.
You, and you, and you, to the soles of your feet,
And of course, me, too.
It's a choice.
"If you want to set your heart free"
Have a voice.
What most don't comprehend
is what we can't see.
Hold love, Hope and doubt in your hands.
"who do you want to be?"
These three components, they're straight fact
A disease you can choose to consume.
"But once you agree, you can't turn back"
They're toxic and permanent fumes.
These terms of hope? Patience it ignores
A happily fought feud in your heart.
Terminate patience an dpain will restore
A pain shot to skin like a dart.
This agreement that love beckons?
Well, now you're just screwed.
It'll enlighten for vary seconds
then infect you, like you knew.
But doubt is the cancer cell
it's a packaged deal
with Hope and Love, can you tell?
This will make you feel.
It's a disease you can never rid
And in Radiation Love will grow
Forgetting everything that they did
Acceptance will make your heart glow.
It's a disease that we all once chose.
Wheter you, or you, ever knew
In our eyes in reflects and show
to terms we couldn't hold true.
It's a black and white romance
That infects us and shouts
Shaking our bones, making us dance
with hope and love--
Cancerous with doubt,
I see it in you, and you , and you.
Remember when you stop glowing
that is overdue when you lose your crown,
that Hope and Love are temporarily a happy defeat
And it breaks you down.
You, and you, and you, to the soles of your feet,
And of course, me, too.
I wish I was a tree
11.08.09
Salvation-Citizen Cope
Lucky you-The National
I wish I was a tree
a tiny insect
that means nothing to me.
Leaves rid the naked trees
mid autumn days.
They cannot survive
the harsh change of weather.
Cold days
Cloudly ways
depression scripts the death
of all who cannot survive.
But that oak tree is still standing
buried deep into the ground
He is still standing.
He feels the cold
He feels the demise of his leaves
of everything around him
but he remains
standing 10 feet tall.
My ex-lover
my still lover
I think of you
my arrogance
my ignorance
involuntary inflected pain.
Intentions broken
heart unspoken
drowning in the love that will never leave.
If I was able
to ask how you remain stable
You avoid it with everything in you.
I feel your pain
I feel your tears on my fingertips
resulting in agony.
I idolize
the love you hold so close to me
with everything I have.
From the tips of my toes
to the depth of my weakning bones
you mean so much to me.
The day you left my mind
I remained in yours
never a day did you go on
without wondering
just how I was.
I admire
your grace
your talents
all the lovely chemicals you see in me
that no one else does.
My callouses
tore you limb from limb
but your desire never died
it never died.
Constant thoughts race through me
yet I always come back to this.
Let me become
what destiny has planned.
Maybe the future
will better let me appreciate
the beautiful person you are
You're beautiful
inside and out
I see it
but I don't always feel it.
You need this
You deserve this
You deserve everything
the universe robbed you of.
You truly do.
Love
your favourite
Salvation-Citizen Cope
Lucky you-The National
I wish I was a tree
a tiny insect
that means nothing to me.
Leaves rid the naked trees
mid autumn days.
They cannot survive
the harsh change of weather.
Cold days
Cloudly ways
depression scripts the death
of all who cannot survive.
But that oak tree is still standing
buried deep into the ground
He is still standing.
He feels the cold
He feels the demise of his leaves
of everything around him
but he remains
standing 10 feet tall.
My ex-lover
my still lover
I think of you
my arrogance
my ignorance
involuntary inflected pain.
Intentions broken
heart unspoken
drowning in the love that will never leave.
If I was able
to ask how you remain stable
You avoid it with everything in you.
I feel your pain
I feel your tears on my fingertips
resulting in agony.
I idolize
the love you hold so close to me
with everything I have.
From the tips of my toes
to the depth of my weakning bones
you mean so much to me.
The day you left my mind
I remained in yours
never a day did you go on
without wondering
just how I was.
I admire
your grace
your talents
all the lovely chemicals you see in me
that no one else does.
My callouses
tore you limb from limb
but your desire never died
it never died.
Constant thoughts race through me
yet I always come back to this.
Let me become
what destiny has planned.
Maybe the future
will better let me appreciate
the beautiful person you are
You're beautiful
inside and out
I see it
but I don't always feel it.
You need this
You deserve this
You deserve everything
the universe robbed you of.
You truly do.
Love
your favourite
you always
Back. Back into my life. Back into my head. That's
where you are. I kinda hate it...but I like it.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna cry. Other times
I just get so frustrated.
I have my life back. Something I was never
used to. A year of the same routine and it gets
lost somewhere in the abyss of your thoughts
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Holding hands with love
We've been trying for too long. Every time we drift we're forcing what is wrong. I am taking sight. Don't hold this war in time.
I've grown to love blank pages - they're free and hold no boundaries I can't exceed.
Love is thought out to be infatuated and hated all the more, but I appreciate its worth within the walls I am confined. I laugh because I call this Aurora. So much hate, it seems I'm drama prone. But I know I don't walk through it alone.
It's a mystery - we feel we know love's ethics, but I must confess I do not. I feel I've never truly loved anything, but I wish to break free from this box I am imprisoned. With me it's been trial and error, lying to my heart and convincing infatuation. This is all against the rules I cannot help but break. How do I abide? I keep trying, hoping for success. I apologize to those I've hurt along the way.
I used to see love as a ghost, and it seems I still do. It will jump my nerves, and cause me to dive in from a board when I wasn't ready. I was waiting for love to find me and gently hold my hand, but it scared me in stead. Do I agree with this tactic? Absolutely not.
As a human I search for security concerning risk, it being even more risky involving one other. Besides me love tries to one up it, and again, I cannot say I agree. And maybe that's the problem within my relationship with love - we cannot find fit circumstances to match our wants and needs. I just want it to bend down, take my hand, and lead me through the battlefield. I want love to guide my heart, but to me it seems love is greedy and has no patience - this is where things go terribly wrong, causing dread and regret within my conscience. Another heart I hug, then squeeze, then slam.
I don't know where I can find an axis of symmetry, a turning point within my downfall. So much I wish to run away from it, I never realize I run from risk without even thinking - without a sense of confrontation.
Kisses and missing you, happiness and content. Heart breaking concepts and fatal mistakes - it's all a combination within the word love - a feeling I wish so much to be the truth, though I cannot understand it. I just wish to smile and hold its hand, but it's harder than I had thought. Maybe it's the concept that with losing so much I cannot be open to the idea. I just can't. I step back and forth over the line, but I can't fully commit. I envy those who are able.
It's a black sea I stand above, the size of the universe it is, and my platform an abyss. The misty air surrounds me in comfort, and the sea below me appears freezing and dark and a fatal possibility. Dark waves crash against the rigid rocks, and I shiver down to my freezing bones within the thought of jumping. Spirit ceases to guide me, I feel it knows this is something to live through and learn myself.
Forever is a long time and time I do hold within my hands, but it's a questionable concept and a matter of my wants and of patience. I know there are those willing to give - ready to jump from their own abyss. It's something I appreciate but do not understand. This is what scares me out of infatuation the most. To know why I do not, it's a mystery within the black sea. I cannot say I'm yet ready to dive in.
Maybe I'm willing to wade in shallow waters, where maybe the sun clears the infamous darkness. The question is if I will take the risk, but faced with confrontation the decision isn't true within my heart. Maybe it's a pure aspect of regret, hating the feeling and matching the physical to the unstable mentality, and then I seek to regret. Later I will still question, then try again. I apologize for my trial and error tactics, but I guess that's the way love within life goes. I'll be the short end of the stick at one point or another, I'm sure, as I feel I already am within the boundaries of myself.
Like a fire, the wood burns and then crashes, summing up to ashes - played with and mangled, but I'll be the angel. Somewhere in the mix I'll be picking up my ashes, replanting the seed for a tree to grow and comfort me. Make them back into wood to burn and we'll do it again, hoping ties will never sever, never something I'm obligated to mend. Hoping sparks will ignite with the flames, never burning down to their very grains. Hoping to feel and seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I've grown to love blank pages - they're free and hold no boundaries I can't exceed.
Love is thought out to be infatuated and hated all the more, but I appreciate its worth within the walls I am confined. I laugh because I call this Aurora. So much hate, it seems I'm drama prone. But I know I don't walk through it alone.
It's a mystery - we feel we know love's ethics, but I must confess I do not. I feel I've never truly loved anything, but I wish to break free from this box I am imprisoned. With me it's been trial and error, lying to my heart and convincing infatuation. This is all against the rules I cannot help but break. How do I abide? I keep trying, hoping for success. I apologize to those I've hurt along the way.
I used to see love as a ghost, and it seems I still do. It will jump my nerves, and cause me to dive in from a board when I wasn't ready. I was waiting for love to find me and gently hold my hand, but it scared me in stead. Do I agree with this tactic? Absolutely not.
As a human I search for security concerning risk, it being even more risky involving one other. Besides me love tries to one up it, and again, I cannot say I agree. And maybe that's the problem within my relationship with love - we cannot find fit circumstances to match our wants and needs. I just want it to bend down, take my hand, and lead me through the battlefield. I want love to guide my heart, but to me it seems love is greedy and has no patience - this is where things go terribly wrong, causing dread and regret within my conscience. Another heart I hug, then squeeze, then slam.
I don't know where I can find an axis of symmetry, a turning point within my downfall. So much I wish to run away from it, I never realize I run from risk without even thinking - without a sense of confrontation.
Kisses and missing you, happiness and content. Heart breaking concepts and fatal mistakes - it's all a combination within the word love - a feeling I wish so much to be the truth, though I cannot understand it. I just wish to smile and hold its hand, but it's harder than I had thought. Maybe it's the concept that with losing so much I cannot be open to the idea. I just can't. I step back and forth over the line, but I can't fully commit. I envy those who are able.
It's a black sea I stand above, the size of the universe it is, and my platform an abyss. The misty air surrounds me in comfort, and the sea below me appears freezing and dark and a fatal possibility. Dark waves crash against the rigid rocks, and I shiver down to my freezing bones within the thought of jumping. Spirit ceases to guide me, I feel it knows this is something to live through and learn myself.
Forever is a long time and time I do hold within my hands, but it's a questionable concept and a matter of my wants and of patience. I know there are those willing to give - ready to jump from their own abyss. It's something I appreciate but do not understand. This is what scares me out of infatuation the most. To know why I do not, it's a mystery within the black sea. I cannot say I'm yet ready to dive in.
Maybe I'm willing to wade in shallow waters, where maybe the sun clears the infamous darkness. The question is if I will take the risk, but faced with confrontation the decision isn't true within my heart. Maybe it's a pure aspect of regret, hating the feeling and matching the physical to the unstable mentality, and then I seek to regret. Later I will still question, then try again. I apologize for my trial and error tactics, but I guess that's the way love within life goes. I'll be the short end of the stick at one point or another, I'm sure, as I feel I already am within the boundaries of myself.
Like a fire, the wood burns and then crashes, summing up to ashes - played with and mangled, but I'll be the angel. Somewhere in the mix I'll be picking up my ashes, replanting the seed for a tree to grow and comfort me. Make them back into wood to burn and we'll do it again, hoping ties will never sever, never something I'm obligated to mend. Hoping sparks will ignite with the flames, never burning down to their very grains. Hoping to feel and seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
where nobody knows
I've decided that I'm not just going to just accept who I've become, but instead work to make myself a better person-- the one I always wanted to be but never quite had the courage to achieve.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I'm sick of saying it's okay ( I'd rather throw up my words)
Won't you smile, if I'm smiling back? That question makes me sound stupid in a town like Aurora. I try to smile nonetheless, but people's negativity are anchors and I am a sinking boat. Don't you ever wish you could always be a child? Happily roaming about. Everything looks so big to you - your sandbox a beach and your backyard a jungle. Careless, without worries, without judgement. There's a word for all of this: it's called being free.
And I don't know if anyone knows it, but this town won’t even allow a freedom within yourself. We're tied down with ropes of judgement and secrecy. Where we are, there's daggers in men's smiles. If one thing happens, you better pray nobody discover, because it's like a disease that won’t rid itself from you. Demons called man will feed the disease to keep the flame to fire. Who are these demons? You think you know who's who until an aftermath resides and in prestigious Aurora, you're the one standing on a stool with a noose as an accessory. They're wishing me death and would care less if it were to follow.
It's beginning to seem as if I have no power within my own life and what revolves around me. And do not tell me this isn't true, because there is not one person in this world who has experienced the utmost damaging cruelties of adolescence as I have. And therefore not one person understands. I want so much to be in good company, but who the fuck do you trust in this town? Everybody knows everybody. And maybe that's considered a good thing somewhere, but it's drowned me with regret and ever constant reminders of who I was and where I've been. Who I was.
See, nobody in this town seems to understand me. Even within their own lives, I wager they've changed indefinitely in various ways from who they've been in the past. Why am I excluded from this theory? Because as hard as I try to show people the real me, they turn a blind eye and slap me in the face. It's a tree of factors. One person turns into 25, and then 50, and then 75 and so on.
One person predicted my fate. As so much I wish to scream bloody murder a 'fuck you' to this person's face, I won’t. Tears would have streaked down my face while doing so. And this person deserves nothing from me, not even a goddamned tear, nor does this person deserve one good fortune. This person revolves around my life because they were the root of the cause.
I'm so sick of saying it's okay, because it's not. I'd rather throw up the words I've previously said saying it is and force hatred down my throat because this fucking person deserves it so. This person fucking ended a happy life as I knew it. This person put a false definition in my name and made others repeat. And now where there's my name one story comes to mind, one word, one degrading aspect of mankind. This person is undoubtedly praised as I'm forced to dig my own grave. I know not why.
Ignorance and constant judgement define this town, but one person planted a seed for this weed to grow. It restraints my limbs and suffocates me, as the person who did the deed smiles in sadistic appeasement. I don't play victim, you forced the role. I did not one fucking thing personally to deserve a disease that so many times has had a frightening attempt to knock me off that stool. Just to get rid of your disease that infests in my life. Nothing is personal or private anymore.
And who's fucking fault is that?
I didn't want to play the blame game, but I couldn't give two fucks anymore.
The people who care don't matter, and the people that matter don't care.
This isn't the end of the world.
And I don't know if anyone knows it, but this town won’t even allow a freedom within yourself. We're tied down with ropes of judgement and secrecy. Where we are, there's daggers in men's smiles. If one thing happens, you better pray nobody discover, because it's like a disease that won’t rid itself from you. Demons called man will feed the disease to keep the flame to fire. Who are these demons? You think you know who's who until an aftermath resides and in prestigious Aurora, you're the one standing on a stool with a noose as an accessory. They're wishing me death and would care less if it were to follow.
It's beginning to seem as if I have no power within my own life and what revolves around me. And do not tell me this isn't true, because there is not one person in this world who has experienced the utmost damaging cruelties of adolescence as I have. And therefore not one person understands. I want so much to be in good company, but who the fuck do you trust in this town? Everybody knows everybody. And maybe that's considered a good thing somewhere, but it's drowned me with regret and ever constant reminders of who I was and where I've been. Who I was.
See, nobody in this town seems to understand me. Even within their own lives, I wager they've changed indefinitely in various ways from who they've been in the past. Why am I excluded from this theory? Because as hard as I try to show people the real me, they turn a blind eye and slap me in the face. It's a tree of factors. One person turns into 25, and then 50, and then 75 and so on.
One person predicted my fate. As so much I wish to scream bloody murder a 'fuck you' to this person's face, I won’t. Tears would have streaked down my face while doing so. And this person deserves nothing from me, not even a goddamned tear, nor does this person deserve one good fortune. This person revolves around my life because they were the root of the cause.
I'm so sick of saying it's okay, because it's not. I'd rather throw up the words I've previously said saying it is and force hatred down my throat because this fucking person deserves it so. This person fucking ended a happy life as I knew it. This person put a false definition in my name and made others repeat. And now where there's my name one story comes to mind, one word, one degrading aspect of mankind. This person is undoubtedly praised as I'm forced to dig my own grave. I know not why.
Ignorance and constant judgement define this town, but one person planted a seed for this weed to grow. It restraints my limbs and suffocates me, as the person who did the deed smiles in sadistic appeasement. I don't play victim, you forced the role. I did not one fucking thing personally to deserve a disease that so many times has had a frightening attempt to knock me off that stool. Just to get rid of your disease that infests in my life. Nothing is personal or private anymore.
And who's fucking fault is that?
I didn't want to play the blame game, but I couldn't give two fucks anymore.
The people who care don't matter, and the people that matter don't care.
This isn't the end of the world.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Maybe
The universe endures in attempts to make me fall to my knees. Why is life so inevitably difficult? It feels as if I'm undoubtedly mistreated for either completely absurd reasons or for no reason at all. Dear Universe, why do you love to watch me fall? To teach me a lesson? There's a moon waning crescent with your name on it, but we seek to call it ours.
Dear Universe, I question those with hatred and why they're here. I feel they're empty souls with purpose to push me off an edge. I fight against it, but they're so determined to win. I'm not in life to play a game or win a contest. So why does it always feel like we're always racing to finish first place? To prove who wrong? They don't know me, but they act like they do. Life puts a twist to my stomach and a clogging valve to the love of my heart. Who do I ask for help? Who is really real?
Some are amused by my life and find it funny, but I rise above and see it sunny. Why are we so twisted and enlightened to dark? I love the idea of angels and declaring Hark, because then I feel I'm not alone.
Somehow, it's in my mind that I'm not alone, but it's in my heart. These empty souls know that I'm faulty from the start. I didn't think they store in able to gain, because I want to believe so much we're not all in vain.
It makes me question so repeatedly as to why we're so cruel, and why people put us up on pedestals. I see death so much differently, a place with no contests, a place where I'm free. But life is a different story, with manmade ideas that seem to fit. Who would ever admit that we ourselves are wrong? That this doesn't belong? A puzzle piece that doesn't quite string along? No one. Would you just say, are you done? Undoubtedly, undoubtedly so.
Why can't we smile and remain without? Maybe being material-less fills us up with doubt. I want to find those who sprout from their roots and see a life without judgement...just without.
People see being without in a negative way, but I see it as weightless days and days. Why does happiness never stay? My guess is because we feel that if we're without, we'll melt from our moulded clay. Being without is stress free, a tolerance of you and me. Nobody else will see so.
I try so hard to be optimistic and happy, but these people drag me down. I want so badly to run away, but what do I prove if I appoint them their crown? Where does it pay off to be so happy with those who hate? Content with those who mistreat? Accepting with those who are cruel? Is it fate? To bring justice to the soles of our feet? To win the duel? To say I'm worthless would you dare, but that's the way it is because life's not fair.
Maybe some say life's a game, but I say it's a maze. We cut through bushes at times with all of the craze. I say that's taking the easy way out, because we're all entitled to harsh and cruel encounters. But the more we just keep walking to seek, we'll find answers in the end. Right now it's dark and windy, and bare branches shiver within their freezing vital veins. At twice and two, I know not what to do. I feel I'm alone in keeping my morals true. As an adolescent, I'm drama prone, and maybe since I sit alone discreetly, I feel alone completely.
Maybe the sun will rise above the clouds soon, maybe to the cruelties of adolescence I'm doomed. Searching, seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe
Dear Universe, I question those with hatred and why they're here. I feel they're empty souls with purpose to push me off an edge. I fight against it, but they're so determined to win. I'm not in life to play a game or win a contest. So why does it always feel like we're always racing to finish first place? To prove who wrong? They don't know me, but they act like they do. Life puts a twist to my stomach and a clogging valve to the love of my heart. Who do I ask for help? Who is really real?
Some are amused by my life and find it funny, but I rise above and see it sunny. Why are we so twisted and enlightened to dark? I love the idea of angels and declaring Hark, because then I feel I'm not alone.
Somehow, it's in my mind that I'm not alone, but it's in my heart. These empty souls know that I'm faulty from the start. I didn't think they store in able to gain, because I want to believe so much we're not all in vain.
It makes me question so repeatedly as to why we're so cruel, and why people put us up on pedestals. I see death so much differently, a place with no contests, a place where I'm free. But life is a different story, with manmade ideas that seem to fit. Who would ever admit that we ourselves are wrong? That this doesn't belong? A puzzle piece that doesn't quite string along? No one. Would you just say, are you done? Undoubtedly, undoubtedly so.
Why can't we smile and remain without? Maybe being material-less fills us up with doubt. I want to find those who sprout from their roots and see a life without judgement...just without.
People see being without in a negative way, but I see it as weightless days and days. Why does happiness never stay? My guess is because we feel that if we're without, we'll melt from our moulded clay. Being without is stress free, a tolerance of you and me. Nobody else will see so.
I try so hard to be optimistic and happy, but these people drag me down. I want so badly to run away, but what do I prove if I appoint them their crown? Where does it pay off to be so happy with those who hate? Content with those who mistreat? Accepting with those who are cruel? Is it fate? To bring justice to the soles of our feet? To win the duel? To say I'm worthless would you dare, but that's the way it is because life's not fair.
Maybe some say life's a game, but I say it's a maze. We cut through bushes at times with all of the craze. I say that's taking the easy way out, because we're all entitled to harsh and cruel encounters. But the more we just keep walking to seek, we'll find answers in the end. Right now it's dark and windy, and bare branches shiver within their freezing vital veins. At twice and two, I know not what to do. I feel I'm alone in keeping my morals true. As an adolescent, I'm drama prone, and maybe since I sit alone discreetly, I feel alone completely.
Maybe the sun will rise above the clouds soon, maybe to the cruelties of adolescence I'm doomed. Searching, seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Soul'd Out
Written 29 Nov 2009
Sitting on cold concrete, the air reveals my staggering breathing. The cigarette in my hand expands and emphasizes this. I smile in pure terror, a tune without audio revolting my stomach and sending electric shocks through my skin. Do you understand when I say I'm different? I'm not normal? Nobody's normal. I am excited as my heart beats a mile a minute. Do you understand when I tell you what I'm feeling? I don't. Nobody else does either.
It's 3 AM and I lie in bed, something's different about tonight. I feel nothing but my body waiting to float away into dreamland. This doesn't happen. Dreamland comes to me, if that's what I could call it. I don't know what to call what happened. Nobody else knows either.
I drift off, thinking about who I've hurt and who's hurt me. I smile and envy the worthlessness of my thoughts, if only everything were worthless to me. Life would come and go easy, but I've been sent for newer reasons. I know there's more outside of this blue and green sphere, up past the atmosphere. There's so much more that terrifies me and joys my damaged heart. Everybody's heart is damaged. Only they know how. Nobody else would care to understand...
It seeps into my veins tonight, curiously placing itself inside of my eyes. Green flashes come and go, invading my normal darkened vision. Here we go again. Three years of endurance these flashes have haunted me. I don't understand the ghostly green or the translucent vibrations that boast using my shadowed souls. I don't understand this one bit, but I am excited. I want to know more. I'm open to what they give me to see. I want to see more, and more, and more.
But tonight is different from all other nights. Normally, if you could even consider this normal, the flashes change what I see. The flashes turn into revolving items that shift and shape into incomprehensible objects. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. I don't know. Nobody else knows either.
A thin lightning bolt greets me at the end of the room. It radiates with blue and red. I cannot confess I understand because confusion is all that lights my head. My heart is okay.
Things change. I see little lights, they fight for my attention. Almost like fireflies, they drift around the room. I lift my hand. The little bugs sometimes drift like snowflakes, some fly around in circles. Some even try to touch me. When I extend my palm outward, they greet me and gravitate towards me. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. My heart is not okay.
They touch me, but then they turn into white wisps of smoke and rise above to their contender. This cannot be real. I feel I'm insane. The green flashes visit over and over again, but the fireflies never leave, they stay till I am asleep. My tiredness makes me weak.
Maybe what I've seen has never left, but I've chosen ignorance over all other things. Is this a developing momentum or a part of my soul? My soul at the time seems to give away to petty ideas of fleeing from life. Being alone. This town is what sells away my soul. I cling to existence but know not the reasons why. Nobody reveals and keeps their secrets. I sanely spin away into darkness without knowing who or what has greeted me. I want to know more, I feel I've been included into something more, but I don't know what means what. Crowding me with nonexistence and expecting me to believe, though none decieve, it comes more easily to invite. I know this is right but the feeling's all wrong. Nothing seems to quite string along.
I never expected more than what's been given, I know not what keeps me driven. Even if permanent, I feel it's nothing to keep. Liquid components release with every tear I weep. I've sold my soul to nothing but only myself, so why does it feel like I'm soul'd out?
Left me feeling with or without? Time will confess its truths, it's only that of patience which tugs at my heart. It's the key to the locked door I stand in front, or maybe I wait in line. All will prevail in time.
Sitting on cold concrete, the air reveals my staggering breathing. The cigarette in my hand expands and emphasizes this. I smile in pure terror, a tune without audio revolting my stomach and sending electric shocks through my skin. Do you understand when I say I'm different? I'm not normal? Nobody's normal. I am excited as my heart beats a mile a minute. Do you understand when I tell you what I'm feeling? I don't. Nobody else does either.
It's 3 AM and I lie in bed, something's different about tonight. I feel nothing but my body waiting to float away into dreamland. This doesn't happen. Dreamland comes to me, if that's what I could call it. I don't know what to call what happened. Nobody else knows either.
I drift off, thinking about who I've hurt and who's hurt me. I smile and envy the worthlessness of my thoughts, if only everything were worthless to me. Life would come and go easy, but I've been sent for newer reasons. I know there's more outside of this blue and green sphere, up past the atmosphere. There's so much more that terrifies me and joys my damaged heart. Everybody's heart is damaged. Only they know how. Nobody else would care to understand...
It seeps into my veins tonight, curiously placing itself inside of my eyes. Green flashes come and go, invading my normal darkened vision. Here we go again. Three years of endurance these flashes have haunted me. I don't understand the ghostly green or the translucent vibrations that boast using my shadowed souls. I don't understand this one bit, but I am excited. I want to know more. I'm open to what they give me to see. I want to see more, and more, and more.
But tonight is different from all other nights. Normally, if you could even consider this normal, the flashes change what I see. The flashes turn into revolving items that shift and shape into incomprehensible objects. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. I don't know. Nobody else knows either.
A thin lightning bolt greets me at the end of the room. It radiates with blue and red. I cannot confess I understand because confusion is all that lights my head. My heart is okay.
Things change. I see little lights, they fight for my attention. Almost like fireflies, they drift around the room. I lift my hand. The little bugs sometimes drift like snowflakes, some fly around in circles. Some even try to touch me. When I extend my palm outward, they greet me and gravitate towards me. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. My heart is not okay.
They touch me, but then they turn into white wisps of smoke and rise above to their contender. This cannot be real. I feel I'm insane. The green flashes visit over and over again, but the fireflies never leave, they stay till I am asleep. My tiredness makes me weak.
Maybe what I've seen has never left, but I've chosen ignorance over all other things. Is this a developing momentum or a part of my soul? My soul at the time seems to give away to petty ideas of fleeing from life. Being alone. This town is what sells away my soul. I cling to existence but know not the reasons why. Nobody reveals and keeps their secrets. I sanely spin away into darkness without knowing who or what has greeted me. I want to know more, I feel I've been included into something more, but I don't know what means what. Crowding me with nonexistence and expecting me to believe, though none decieve, it comes more easily to invite. I know this is right but the feeling's all wrong. Nothing seems to quite string along.
I never expected more than what's been given, I know not what keeps me driven. Even if permanent, I feel it's nothing to keep. Liquid components release with every tear I weep. I've sold my soul to nothing but only myself, so why does it feel like I'm soul'd out?
Left me feeling with or without? Time will confess its truths, it's only that of patience which tugs at my heart. It's the key to the locked door I stand in front, or maybe I wait in line. All will prevail in time.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Affiliate with No Man's Land
Eyes have sunken in, consistent with tiredness and tears
Solely laced with question within my tender fears.
They burn in salt and delightfully release
The drips of my soul that sadly decrease.
The life of me unstable, there are ups and downs
Can't wait to rid myself of fucking Bubble Town.
The place for superficial and material deceit
I stay any longer and I fall from my feet.
I have no fucking clue as for solutions
Nobody helps and stares in delusion.
Why is nobody as they should like to be?
Forgiving and accepting within their defeats?
Stubborn and careless without a fucking clue
But I can't stay angry at you and you.
I climb over hills for No Man's Land
Neutral, without emotion for me to sub stand.
I hate the fucking feeling, to you I'll confess
Not being able to be mad or happy in this mess
I want so much to put you in your place
Because you only care about saving fucking face.
I know sole heartedly I must rise above
I cannot take place in 'the push comes to shove'.
I know there's a heart and soul content with good
But you've plagued the surface like you stood
Smiling at Satan and turning your back on all sane
Like life is absent-minded and my heart is a game.
I don't know if you feel like you've won
But you're left empty-hearted and your prize is none.
I hope you're enjoying sadistic indulgence
And decide selectively on your specific involvement.
Because Judgment Day comes and you smile at God
Angelically lying to the high like a fraud.
You'll see me on the hills with the dead on one side
Black flowers, dead branches, no rules to abide
Of life, where the other side, full of sunlight
I stand with half and half and my feelings fight.
I want to hate you, I want to hit you.
I want to love you, I want to say sorry.
I know I have nothing to apologize for
Never will my knees hit the floor.
I know I want to smile and say it's alright
Where my soul will brighten and take flight.
Out of my feelings two blend and commerce to one
My commitment to the action is nothing called fun.
You don't deserve my apologies, nor do you deserve hate
Because they're not my decisions to like or make.
You make many, but I make due without
And smile even though I wish to say get out
Of my life and my fears and my hopes and dreams
Because you mean what you say, but never say what you mean.
Just for the record, I'm not okay.
Solely laced with question within my tender fears.
They burn in salt and delightfully release
The drips of my soul that sadly decrease.
The life of me unstable, there are ups and downs
Can't wait to rid myself of fucking Bubble Town.
The place for superficial and material deceit
I stay any longer and I fall from my feet.
I have no fucking clue as for solutions
Nobody helps and stares in delusion.
Why is nobody as they should like to be?
Forgiving and accepting within their defeats?
Stubborn and careless without a fucking clue
But I can't stay angry at you and you.
I climb over hills for No Man's Land
Neutral, without emotion for me to sub stand.
I hate the fucking feeling, to you I'll confess
Not being able to be mad or happy in this mess
I want so much to put you in your place
Because you only care about saving fucking face.
I know sole heartedly I must rise above
I cannot take place in 'the push comes to shove'.
I know there's a heart and soul content with good
But you've plagued the surface like you stood
Smiling at Satan and turning your back on all sane
Like life is absent-minded and my heart is a game.
I don't know if you feel like you've won
But you're left empty-hearted and your prize is none.
I hope you're enjoying sadistic indulgence
And decide selectively on your specific involvement.
Because Judgment Day comes and you smile at God
Angelically lying to the high like a fraud.
You'll see me on the hills with the dead on one side
Black flowers, dead branches, no rules to abide
Of life, where the other side, full of sunlight
I stand with half and half and my feelings fight.
I want to hate you, I want to hit you.
I want to love you, I want to say sorry.
I know I have nothing to apologize for
Never will my knees hit the floor.
I know I want to smile and say it's alright
Where my soul will brighten and take flight.
Out of my feelings two blend and commerce to one
My commitment to the action is nothing called fun.
You don't deserve my apologies, nor do you deserve hate
Because they're not my decisions to like or make.
You make many, but I make due without
And smile even though I wish to say get out
Of my life and my fears and my hopes and dreams
Because you mean what you say, but never say what you mean.
Just for the record, I'm not okay.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Affiliate with No Man's Land
Eyes have sunken in, consistent with tiredness and tears
Solely laced with question within my tender fears.
They burn in salt and delightfully release
The drips of my soul that sadly decrease.
The life of me unstable, there are ups and downs
Can't wait to rid myself of fucking Bubble Town.
The place for superficial and material deceit
I stay any longer and I fall from my feet.
I have no fucking clue as for solutions
Nobody helps and stares in delusion.
Why is nobody as they should like to be?
Forgiving and accepting within their defeats?
Stubborn and careless without a fucking clue
But I can't stay angry at you and you.
I climb over hills for No Man's Land
Neutral, without emotion for me to sub stand.
I hate the fucking feeling, to you I'll confess
Not being able to be mad or happy in this mess
I want so much to put you in your place
Because you only care about saving fucking face.
I know sole heartedly I must ride above
I cannot take place in 'the push comes to shove'.
I know there's a heart and soul content with good
But you've plagued the surface like you stood
Smiling at Satan and turning your back on all sane
Like life is absent-minded and my heart is a game.
I don't know if you feel like you've won
But you're left empty-hearted and your prize is none.
I hope you're enjoying sadistic indulgence
And decide selectively on your specific involvement.
Because Judgment Day comes and you smile at God
Angelically lying to the high like a fraud.
You'll see me on the hills with the dead on one side
Black flowers, dead branches, no rules to abide
Of life, where the other side, full of sunlight
I stand with half and half and my feelings fight.
I want to hate you, I want to hit you.
I want to love you, I want to say sorry.
I know I have nothing to apologize for
Never will my knees hit the floor.
I know I want to smile and say it's alright
Where my soul will brighten and take flight.
Out of my feelings two blend and commerce to one
My commitment to the action is nothing called fun.
You don't deserve my apologies, nor do you deserve hate
Because they're not my decisions to like or make.
You make many, but I make due without
And smile even though I wish to say get out
Of my life and my fears and my hopes and dreams
Because you mean what you say, but never say what you mean.
Just for the record, I'm not okay.
Solely laced with question within my tender fears.
They burn in salt and delightfully release
The drips of my soul that sadly decrease.
The life of me unstable, there are ups and downs
Can't wait to rid myself of fucking Bubble Town.
The place for superficial and material deceit
I stay any longer and I fall from my feet.
I have no fucking clue as for solutions
Nobody helps and stares in delusion.
Why is nobody as they should like to be?
Forgiving and accepting within their defeats?
Stubborn and careless without a fucking clue
But I can't stay angry at you and you.
I climb over hills for No Man's Land
Neutral, without emotion for me to sub stand.
I hate the fucking feeling, to you I'll confess
Not being able to be mad or happy in this mess
I want so much to put you in your place
Because you only care about saving fucking face.
I know sole heartedly I must ride above
I cannot take place in 'the push comes to shove'.
I know there's a heart and soul content with good
But you've plagued the surface like you stood
Smiling at Satan and turning your back on all sane
Like life is absent-minded and my heart is a game.
I don't know if you feel like you've won
But you're left empty-hearted and your prize is none.
I hope you're enjoying sadistic indulgence
And decide selectively on your specific involvement.
Because Judgment Day comes and you smile at God
Angelically lying to the high like a fraud.
You'll see me on the hills with the dead on one side
Black flowers, dead branches, no rules to abide
Of life, where the other side, full of sunlight
I stand with half and half and my feelings fight.
I want to hate you, I want to hit you.
I want to love you, I want to say sorry.
I know I have nothing to apologize for
Never will my knees hit the floor.
I know I want to smile and say it's alright
Where my soul will brighten and take flight.
Out of my feelings two blend and commerce to one
My commitment to the action is nothing called fun.
You don't deserve my apologies, nor do you deserve hate
Because they're not my decisions to like or make.
You make many, but I make due without
And smile even though I wish to say get out
Of my life and my fears and my hopes and dreams
Because you mean what you say, but never say what you mean.
Just for the record, I'm not okay.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Dear Tree (L)
So many times I've affiliated with doubt, but I sit in the Tree of Knowledge, a beautifully leaved tree that comforts my curves and breathes a windy breeze across my glowing face; a glow I've been graced with by a reddening sunset. The Tree faces me forward to the sea - to a life unknown and uncertain. I think I hold potential, future, in my hands, but doubt crumbles the paper and spits it from my heart. Dearest Doubt, should I forget you when you leave my shadowed souls be? When you set me free? Free - I'm free of nothing, nothing you're surely capable of.
Smile in the face of your dreading sorrows and hollowed hearts. Lighten your head and recall the start. Don't you remember your happiness? The utter joy that shattered the glass of Doubt? Such a violent peace, it was. Was it not? Your dreams are not shot, babydoll.
The tree attempts to set sail for my future, but not forever will it protect me on the docks. You see, I face the shore, and nighttime soon prevails. The branches that comfort my wrists urge me into the water, but I scream and cry in fear of drowning. The sea violently awakens and hordes my eyes with liquid salt. I cry more salt to the sea. I'm drenched with the cold and a freezing breeze. Dear Tree, will you still protect me?
Can't you predict your passioned fate without Doubt? Doubt smiles in negative highs. You breathe in when you're faced with a biased standard; can't you see clear? You succeed your past, my dear. Open your eyes and ears. Reality isn't a fear - it's sheer happiness. Adventure will lighten your shadowed souls and weaken your limbs, and make you feel grim. But better cause brings better result. Sweetheart, it's not your fault.
Darkness seeps through the faded fabric of my world, my emotions in a whirl. The Tree leaves me be from challenge and holds me in its sleep. I weep quietly, not to awaken my Tree. Dear Tree, what is life without you and me? What is a challenge without comfort? A dreamily whisper breathes to my ear:
Lesson it is, and though it seems cruel, in time you shall win the duel. The battle between you and all fools, all evils who mask their weakness as tools. Sweet Girl, don't you see the sun arising? Can't you see, the sun is smiling. Don't create it as a false hope in mind, good things will come in time.
It's held me close within my sorrow, and built me up to a ridge. Dear Tree, wont you be my bridge? I want to ask, but I know the reply. Dear Tree, do you have to die? Even when doubt dripping from my fingertips lies on the shoulders of your frame, where you wither and dry? You still stay alive, am I right? Do you hold me to darkness or light? The black water is what scares me, a mystery, as does doubt when it withers and murders your leaves. You rid yourself of my wrists, and drop me within the sea.
Dear Tree, is this the end of life and me?
Smile in the face of your dreading sorrows and hollowed hearts. Lighten your head and recall the start. Don't you remember your happiness? The utter joy that shattered the glass of Doubt? Such a violent peace, it was. Was it not? Your dreams are not shot, babydoll.
The tree attempts to set sail for my future, but not forever will it protect me on the docks. You see, I face the shore, and nighttime soon prevails. The branches that comfort my wrists urge me into the water, but I scream and cry in fear of drowning. The sea violently awakens and hordes my eyes with liquid salt. I cry more salt to the sea. I'm drenched with the cold and a freezing breeze. Dear Tree, will you still protect me?
Can't you predict your passioned fate without Doubt? Doubt smiles in negative highs. You breathe in when you're faced with a biased standard; can't you see clear? You succeed your past, my dear. Open your eyes and ears. Reality isn't a fear - it's sheer happiness. Adventure will lighten your shadowed souls and weaken your limbs, and make you feel grim. But better cause brings better result. Sweetheart, it's not your fault.
Darkness seeps through the faded fabric of my world, my emotions in a whirl. The Tree leaves me be from challenge and holds me in its sleep. I weep quietly, not to awaken my Tree. Dear Tree, what is life without you and me? What is a challenge without comfort? A dreamily whisper breathes to my ear:
Lesson it is, and though it seems cruel, in time you shall win the duel. The battle between you and all fools, all evils who mask their weakness as tools. Sweet Girl, don't you see the sun arising? Can't you see, the sun is smiling. Don't create it as a false hope in mind, good things will come in time.
It's held me close within my sorrow, and built me up to a ridge. Dear Tree, wont you be my bridge? I want to ask, but I know the reply. Dear Tree, do you have to die? Even when doubt dripping from my fingertips lies on the shoulders of your frame, where you wither and dry? You still stay alive, am I right? Do you hold me to darkness or light? The black water is what scares me, a mystery, as does doubt when it withers and murders your leaves. You rid yourself of my wrists, and drop me within the sea.
Dear Tree, is this the end of life and me?
Star Child
The world to the universe is a drop to the sea; so what say Spirit about you and me? Flashes of green agree that I matter, but it comes ever so often like paint in a splatter. A canvas that I stare at, afraid I'll ruin. I have so much to work with, yet I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what to make about life itself, I always feel like it's just me and myself. I want to know more, but what's holding me back? Why do fireflies gravitate in the black towards me? I want to know more.
They have a term for my 'kind', but I don't know if I can affiliate myself with that state of mind or that group of amazing and awe-worthy souls. Confusion circles my inner being, because I hate risk. These lights touch my hand and then burst into wisps of smoke. I have the overwhelming sense that I broke through confusion in the state of soul, but as I'm sent back to earth I've broken through a mold of who I am and what my soul's all about. Why the fuck am I so filled up with doubt?
Love I cannot touch, nor do I want to see; I wish my feelings would let me be. I know I long for the idea of love, but when I'm given the chance I do not rise above. I descend below and keep my heart below my sleeve, in the process of hurting those who I so believed to be infatuated with. I feel like I've once radiated with love, then I was burned and charred. Now ashes sum up my ability, and for that I am sorry.
I sit in the pit of doubt's stomach quite often. Doubt is full and content. I am bent on the fact that I have been consumed by such a petty, petty creature, and I've been tricked to fall in love with all of its features. I find myself currently crawling up its throat, searching for answers. I have the ability to know, and I've been shown.
As I write this, the green infects me. Big eyes, forgiving soul, doubt swallowed me whole. I know it will stay for a while, flashes of green mild, heart beating per minute a mile.
They call me Star Child.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sunshine in my window
take over my mind
take over my conscience
you are my hero.
take me
so I can take you.
my escaping
engulfing
entourage
consisting all but of 2.
put down your fork
and follow me.
tell me what I want to hear
make this worth while.
I think I've found my antidote.
swallow me into your arms
and take me to your maker.
take over my conscience
you are my hero.
take me
so I can take you.
my escaping
engulfing
entourage
consisting all but of 2.
put down your fork
and follow me.
tell me what I want to hear
make this worth while.
I think I've found my antidote.
swallow me into your arms
and take me to your maker.
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Dear Diary, fix me.
09.05.09
Today,
I made a mixtape.
Is this what all the hopeless romantics do?
Catch your attention through music?
Just beckoning you to come over and feel sorry for us.
I'm sorry that this is the way I express myself.
I can't help that he still hates me.
And I can't help thinking about him every now and then
while I'm trying to move on.
I can't help but think that this is a huge joke,
and the new one has no idea what he's fucking with.
I've been through too much for failure at this moment.
So if he fails, I do too.
I will sink into the earth,
and become one with the ground I'll be buried in.
I gave up trying,
because the last boy showed me what can happen.
I wont lead you on.
And I wont lead myself on either.
Three different beings.
Yet my heart is afloat before them.
One would tear it apart, the second he could.
Another would so carefully take it, conceal it in a glass box and sing to it.
The last would hold a question mark,
and leave me in wonder,
because this is what he enjoys doing.
And somehow
he has me so mesmerized.
Home sounds best to me.
Alone.
But no weed to numb all feeling.
It's just me,
my pen,
and the headphones,
that so many nights,
have kept me up,
crying to the grooves my pen creates.
Each tear that's fallen,
with my head bent down,
and my hand fidgeting furiously,
against the paper that's become my new best friend.
I must let the words flow,
all by themselves,
or nothing sounds right.
All civilization,
all conditioning,
just disappears.
The feeling bubbles up past my stomach,
and up between my lungs.
It settles in the bottom of my throat,
and aches to break free.
But I keep it tamed.
Because this is what I've learned.
So here I sit,
and I wrote a lullaby.
For me,
and for them.
It wont put you to sleep,
but it will give you something to cry about,
that's all that matters.
x's and o's,
love, your favourite.
Today,
I made a mixtape.
Is this what all the hopeless romantics do?
Catch your attention through music?
Just beckoning you to come over and feel sorry for us.
I'm sorry that this is the way I express myself.
I can't help that he still hates me.
And I can't help thinking about him every now and then
while I'm trying to move on.
I can't help but think that this is a huge joke,
and the new one has no idea what he's fucking with.
I've been through too much for failure at this moment.
So if he fails, I do too.
I will sink into the earth,
and become one with the ground I'll be buried in.
I gave up trying,
because the last boy showed me what can happen.
I wont lead you on.
And I wont lead myself on either.
Three different beings.
Yet my heart is afloat before them.
One would tear it apart, the second he could.
Another would so carefully take it, conceal it in a glass box and sing to it.
The last would hold a question mark,
and leave me in wonder,
because this is what he enjoys doing.
And somehow
he has me so mesmerized.
Home sounds best to me.
Alone.
But no weed to numb all feeling.
It's just me,
my pen,
and the headphones,
that so many nights,
have kept me up,
crying to the grooves my pen creates.
Each tear that's fallen,
with my head bent down,
and my hand fidgeting furiously,
against the paper that's become my new best friend.
I must let the words flow,
all by themselves,
or nothing sounds right.
All civilization,
all conditioning,
just disappears.
The feeling bubbles up past my stomach,
and up between my lungs.
It settles in the bottom of my throat,
and aches to break free.
But I keep it tamed.
Because this is what I've learned.
So here I sit,
and I wrote a lullaby.
For me,
and for them.
It wont put you to sleep,
but it will give you something to cry about,
that's all that matters.
x's and o's,
love, your favourite.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Nobody knows nobody
words dance along the page
temporary does the feeling last.
you feel all right
but baby, wait til morning.
you feel all right
in the moment.
No light
no day
no happiness.
pull the covers up a bit higher
if you even have them.
a knock on the door
a tear in your eye
you couldn't wake up if you wanted to.
a battle
between you and the wolves
snapping
biting
creeping up behind you.
hurts so bad, your bones ache too.
evil
miserable
wolves
want your soul
and nothing less.
slipping through the crack in your door
slithering it's way to the bed you sleep upon.
pause
continue
up the bed post
it whispers three words
and ends it all.
temporary does the feeling last.
you feel all right
but baby, wait til morning.
you feel all right
in the moment.
No light
no day
no happiness.
pull the covers up a bit higher
if you even have them.
a knock on the door
a tear in your eye
you couldn't wake up if you wanted to.
a battle
between you and the wolves
snapping
biting
creeping up behind you.
hurts so bad, your bones ache too.
evil
miserable
wolves
want your soul
and nothing less.
slipping through the crack in your door
slithering it's way to the bed you sleep upon.
pause
continue
up the bed post
it whispers three words
and ends it all.
Delicate
Our eyes meet
our slight smile greet.
but we remain hidden
reality forbidden.
I listen close
for your music plays in my ears.
Tears swell in the rims of my eyes
yet I swallow back down the guilt
You mean so much
for if we could touch
I'd never let go
I promise you so
I'm scared
almost too shy
to look deep into your eyes
and reveal something so.. delicate
delicate
the word whispers in my ear
and I swear to you, I hear
every last note
your melody is my antidote.
So why'd you fill my sorrow
with the words you borrowed
from the only place that you've known.
Why'd you sing hallelujah
if it means nothing to you
why'd you sing with me at all?
our slight smile greet.
but we remain hidden
reality forbidden.
I listen close
for your music plays in my ears.
Tears swell in the rims of my eyes
yet I swallow back down the guilt
You mean so much
for if we could touch
I'd never let go
I promise you so
I'm scared
almost too shy
to look deep into your eyes
and reveal something so.. delicate
delicate
the word whispers in my ear
and I swear to you, I hear
every last note
your melody is my antidote.
So why'd you fill my sorrow
with the words you borrowed
from the only place that you've known.
Why'd you sing hallelujah
if it means nothing to you
why'd you sing with me at all?
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Stardust Dream
I'm standing in a field, a cigarette in hand
Stare up at the sky, in my eyes it brands.
I'm standing in a dream, a question in mind
How've I gotten here, and in such due time?
I think I stand alone, but someone stands behind.
I turn and look at you, someone so hard to find.
"You're dead, you know." I say and turn around
He seems unmoved by this, smiling from a frown.
Cross-legged in the grass, I suddenly feel a mass
Cigarettes are heavy, in my lungs I feel at last.
Someone to call a father, like smokes, it's his booze.
Lucky for him he's dead, he's got nothing to lose.
He sits beside me and smiles, it seems he's heard it too.
In his palm he holds a star and says, "It's just for you."
A star? I think, and pick it up. Like him, cold as ice.
"I'm dead, right?" He reminds. "I feel this would suffice."
"You're dead," I repeat, this time somewhat remorsed.
"Don't be sad," He says. I laugh and say "Of course."
How can't I be? Everything's slipped through the cracks
"You're dreaming," He says stupidly. "You need to relax."
Anything else? I think as anger burns my veins
What's wrong? He asks. "You were the only thing keeping me sane."
"You saw me fall." He tells me, looking at the sky.
I look away as he wipes a tear from my eye.
"Promise me one thing," he says and stands up tall
"Smile, and from heaven, don't let me watch you fall."
"I wont drink myself to death, if that's what you're saying."
Anger is what's keeping forgiveness delaying.
Stare up at the sky, in my eyes it brands.
I'm standing in a dream, a question in mind
How've I gotten here, and in such due time?
I think I stand alone, but someone stands behind.
I turn and look at you, someone so hard to find.
"You're dead, you know." I say and turn around
He seems unmoved by this, smiling from a frown.
Cross-legged in the grass, I suddenly feel a mass
Cigarettes are heavy, in my lungs I feel at last.
Someone to call a father, like smokes, it's his booze.
Lucky for him he's dead, he's got nothing to lose.
He sits beside me and smiles, it seems he's heard it too.
In his palm he holds a star and says, "It's just for you."
A star? I think, and pick it up. Like him, cold as ice.
"I'm dead, right?" He reminds. "I feel this would suffice."
"You're dead," I repeat, this time somewhat remorsed.
"Don't be sad," He says. I laugh and say "Of course."
How can't I be? Everything's slipped through the cracks
"You're dreaming," He says stupidly. "You need to relax."
Anything else? I think as anger burns my veins
What's wrong? He asks. "You were the only thing keeping me sane."
"You saw me fall." He tells me, looking at the sky.
I look away as he wipes a tear from my eye.
"Promise me one thing," he says and stands up tall
"Smile, and from heaven, don't let me watch you fall."
"I wont drink myself to death, if that's what you're saying."
Anger is what's keeping forgiveness delaying.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Live then die
Pure disbelief. I feel worse than stupid. The word in on repeat in my mind: How? How could I have missed him after everything that happened? How could I have gone back to him after the true black colours we showed eachother once upon a time? It might have been love at one point; but it's less than nothing now. Two kids can only say so much to eachother until it gets our of control. We were there -- a place no couple should ever get to. But in the words of a famous book, love isn't what hurts. It's what comes in between -- the lies, the fights, the tears... Why should we have to deal with that? Do you honestly have to endure that kind of pain to say you're truly in love? It's complicated; Complex. You could say teenage love is just an experience-- for some. For others it's beyond that. It's unexplainable. How can you explain a feeling that causes you to think so many different things at once, and feel so many different things? There are only so many girls who have felt how I've felt; alone. Scared. Confused. Didn't he tell you he was always gonna be there for you? Didn't he tell you that he would always love you? This is for all the girls who have told themselves he'd change. For all the girls that have had to cry themselves to sleep when he promised he'd always be there. And you probably had the nerve to tell yourself you weren't good enough for him. This is for the girls who went back to him after weeks of wasted tears. We don't need this. We don't fucking need this. Love is the hardest thing a teenage girl will endure throughout the years. It's something we make mistakes in, but learn from. Yes, he might hurt us. We might even feel better lying in bed all day with curtain closed, blocking all the light, happiness, from our sight. He might make us cry until we can't breathe, but we learn. We learn that love is so, so complex and beyond our knowledge to ever know what might happen next. He might be our best friend one minute, and our worst thought the next. Yeah, he might of been a huge part of you but after it's all said and done he was just a big foot print left deeply engraved into our hearts. Nothing more. It's all right to miss him. And it's all right to hear your song and cry once in a while. But it's not okay to run back to him everytime he says, " Baby, I'm sorry," in that voice you love. You can't change someone. And if you can, old habits never die. They linger and come back eventually. I promise you that. If he's hurt you once, he will do it again, intentionally or not. Any boy who's made you cry over and over isn't worth it for a second. I really, really wish girls who are or have been in a similar situation see the light. It's. Just. Not. Worth it.
I've made so many mistakes, but I won't admit he was truly one. He let me know what it felt like to rather die than wake up the next day and go through those horrible, horrible feelings all over again. He gave me a taste of what love felt like, and showed me the signs to look for when you're falling apart. I won't say thank you, but I will say good luck. No, we were never meant to be together, but cheers to the memories.
I've made so many mistakes, but I won't admit he was truly one. He let me know what it felt like to rather die than wake up the next day and go through those horrible, horrible feelings all over again. He gave me a taste of what love felt like, and showed me the signs to look for when you're falling apart. I won't say thank you, but I will say good luck. No, we were never meant to be together, but cheers to the memories.
--
If you could return, don't let it burn, don't let it fade
I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude, It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.
I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
so why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep. you know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?
oh, I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong. If you could get by, trying not to lie, things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used.
But you always really knew.
I just wanna be with you.
I'm sure I'm not being rude, but it's just your attitude, It's tearing me apart, It's ruining everything.
I swore I would be true, and honey, so did you.
so why were you holding her hand? Is that the way we stand? Were you lying all the time? Was it just a game to you?
But I'm in so deep. you know I'm such a fool for you. You got me wrapped around your finger.
Do you have to let it linger?
oh, I thought the world of you. I thought nothing could go wrong, but I was wrong. If you could get by, trying not to lie, things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used.
But you always really knew.
I just wanna be with you.
Teach me how to fly
dear you,
blinded
captivated
held back.
words being thrown around
yet nothing else matters.
a couple once
two individuals today
still an ache dwells within me.
what was once mine
is now forever lost
try,try,try
but that voice whispers me now.
pushed him too far
even if he wanted to comeback
he just couldn't.
with open arms
I beckon your presence.
miss him today
struggle for life tomorrow
three words have never meant so much.
i miss you
i love you
dearest boy
you ask me to come home
forever and a day is stuck in my mind.
dearest first love
you made me so happy
just hold me
please just hold me.
blinded
captivated
held back.
words being thrown around
yet nothing else matters.
a couple once
two individuals today
still an ache dwells within me.
what was once mine
is now forever lost
try,try,try
but that voice whispers me now.
pushed him too far
even if he wanted to comeback
he just couldn't.
with open arms
I beckon your presence.
miss him today
struggle for life tomorrow
three words have never meant so much.
i miss you
i love you
dearest boy
you ask me to come home
forever and a day is stuck in my mind.
dearest first love
you made me so happy
just hold me
please just hold me.
White flag
I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, Or tell you that.But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it where's the sense in that?
- It just never gets easier
- It just never gets easier
Monday, August 3, 2009
Oh god, is this the end?
5:50 PM
My tears fall to sting my broken heart. The pain they bring to my soul that's already torn apart. Look at my face, drowned in sorrowful tears. I didn't need space, I needed you here ! It was suppose to be "we" But now, there's only me. . . We were suppose to be forever. Do you hear the sound of a million broken promises crashing down on the cold hard ground? Do you smell the scent of thousands of dead dreams becoming reality And my life force being spent? Do you taste the bitter taste of uncurable loneliness, Never to be lost in life's haste? Do you feel the pain of knowing you were never right? . . . Do you live with that shame?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but the world has already hurt me. You left me and now I am like little pieces of green glass representing who I used to be, shattered on a splintered floor, alas. I couldn't keep my feelings inside. As I reached for my knife, I can no longer hide the marks I've had all my life. The red of my blood so painful And the white of my skin so soft, Mix to make the shameful colour of being lost. And no other being coveys that feeling like you. The misty spray of the waves, crashing against the obsiclian rocks is like the lasts days of our love before we came to the docks. I stand at the shore's edge, waiting only to be with the waves peaceful ledge. They will embrace me for who I am. And I am nothing . . . just a broken heart, with a broken plan. And now I am one less. Do you hear the sound of a million broken promises crashing downon the cold hard ground? Do you smell the scent of thousands of dead dreams becoming reality And my life force being spent? Do you taste the bitter taste of uncurable loneliness Never to be lost in life's haste? Do you feel the pain of knowing you were never right . . . Do you live with that shame?
Sticks and stones may break my bones But the world has already hurt me. Undo the laces of my being, See I bleed for you . . . Tell me, sweety, what I'm seeing, Tell me what I need to do. Run your hand across my skin, stretched tight and waiting for your touch, I cannot escape this feeling -- Suddenly it's too much. Lying in bed 'till noon, I can't wake up, It's too soon. The things you promised me, I cannot live and I cannot see. Without you there's no me. What to be? Pieces of my hear abandoned on the ground, you stepped on them and ripped my dreams down. Even my bloodpainful cannot cure me of this wound. Tell me -- What did I do that was so shameful? I hear no wrong sound. Tell me -- oh please tell me -- What was wrong, What was I suppose to be? This story is too long but it needs a bend, And I keep going on straight
oh god, is this the end?
My tears fall to sting my broken heart. The pain they bring to my soul that's already torn apart. Look at my face, drowned in sorrowful tears. I didn't need space, I needed you here ! It was suppose to be "we" But now, there's only me. . . We were suppose to be forever. Do you hear the sound of a million broken promises crashing down on the cold hard ground? Do you smell the scent of thousands of dead dreams becoming reality And my life force being spent? Do you taste the bitter taste of uncurable loneliness, Never to be lost in life's haste? Do you feel the pain of knowing you were never right? . . . Do you live with that shame?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but the world has already hurt me. You left me and now I am like little pieces of green glass representing who I used to be, shattered on a splintered floor, alas. I couldn't keep my feelings inside. As I reached for my knife, I can no longer hide the marks I've had all my life. The red of my blood so painful And the white of my skin so soft, Mix to make the shameful colour of being lost. And no other being coveys that feeling like you. The misty spray of the waves, crashing against the obsiclian rocks is like the lasts days of our love before we came to the docks. I stand at the shore's edge, waiting only to be with the waves peaceful ledge. They will embrace me for who I am. And I am nothing . . . just a broken heart, with a broken plan. And now I am one less. Do you hear the sound of a million broken promises crashing downon the cold hard ground? Do you smell the scent of thousands of dead dreams becoming reality And my life force being spent? Do you taste the bitter taste of uncurable loneliness Never to be lost in life's haste? Do you feel the pain of knowing you were never right . . . Do you live with that shame?
Sticks and stones may break my bones But the world has already hurt me. Undo the laces of my being, See I bleed for you . . . Tell me, sweety, what I'm seeing, Tell me what I need to do. Run your hand across my skin, stretched tight and waiting for your touch, I cannot escape this feeling -- Suddenly it's too much. Lying in bed 'till noon, I can't wake up, It's too soon. The things you promised me, I cannot live and I cannot see. Without you there's no me. What to be? Pieces of my hear abandoned on the ground, you stepped on them and ripped my dreams down. Even my bloodpainful cannot cure me of this wound. Tell me -- What did I do that was so shameful? I hear no wrong sound. Tell me -- oh please tell me -- What was wrong, What was I suppose to be? This story is too long but it needs a bend, And I keep going on straight
oh god, is this the end?
If we could have it our way..
August 3/09 5:08PM
Summer has been great. I got back from camping with Tayller today. It was very fun. Tanning, river rafting,jumping off a cliff, swimming, hot guys!, chilling in our tent, mud, meeting people, storms, laughing, showers, MARSHMELLOW SHOOTERS, just alot of funnn. I'm now looking forward to either Sylvan Lake with Tay or Ontario. I haven't decided, it's a hard choice.. Have fun with a new friend, or have fun with old ones. hmm, Maybe I'll toss a coin; Heads I go to Sylvan Lake - Tales I go to Ontario
Summer has been great. I got back from camping with Tayller today. It was very fun. Tanning, river rafting,jumping off a cliff, swimming, hot guys!, chilling in our tent, mud, meeting people, storms, laughing, showers, MARSHMELLOW SHOOTERS, just alot of funnn. I'm now looking forward to either Sylvan Lake with Tay or Ontario. I haven't decided, it's a hard choice.. Have fun with a new friend, or have fun with old ones. hmm, Maybe I'll toss a coin; Heads I go to Sylvan Lake - Tales I go to Ontario
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Thanks
06.16.09
I don't know what's worse
that you don't care or you put them first.
It's so encouraging after the shit I've been through
he left and he's gone and I only had you.
I don't know what could kill me more
you just don't care or pushed me to the floor.
I've tried again and again to hold my head up high
while everyone else looks so satified.
I don't know who or what to blame
was it you or me to start this open flame?
I don't know why I'm singly excluded
I feel I'm from another world, I'm diluted.
I don't know why I'm suprised you let me down
you could always turn my smile into a frown.
These words never seem to come out right
there truthful words always fill me with fright.
All this time I wouldn't pick up the phone
the tought that I needed to be alone
and the fact that when this wish comes true
I'm stuck to the wall like wood to glue.
This feeling of sorrow fills my gut
this pain in my head drives me nuts
If only what I feel I could write on this sheet
nothing can possibly pull me to my feet.
I have so little words with so much to say.
I don't know if it'd be the same another day.
I could cry for no reason or avoid the truth
that such a waste has come to my youth.
I'm so mad at so many, I can't name you all
but thanks for laughing everytime I would fall.
I don't know who in this world I can trust
but keep breathing and living it seems I must.
Nothing can ever go my way, perhaps
I can't find myself even with a map.
I'ts upsetting to think I've fallen below ground
where my screams are muted, I can't hear a sound.
so while I'm buried alive in this dirt,
noone will reason for panic,alert.
If I find my way through these soils
I'll have forgotten my plans and my deams will foil.
Thanks for standing by through all the brawls
It's comforting to know you got your all.
And when I disappear off the face of the earth
I won't have to deal when worst comes to worst.
I'm only ashamed I accepted all your lies
but everybody lives and everybody dies.
When I'm old enough to leave and be finally done
I'll pack my things and just fucking run.
Because for all these years I've been stuck in a place
where nobody wants to see my face.
I've been locked in a cage and I can't reach the key
I don't have an idea of whats become of me.
But when I run and I finally see
that I don't need anyone to agree
I don't need to listen to your pointless pleas
I know that day I'm happy, I'm free.
But just until that day comes and brings
a happiness that will make the birds sing
until that day you ask me a question and I'm due
to answer, it will always be fuck you.
I don't know what's worse
that you don't care or you put them first.
It's so encouraging after the shit I've been through
he left and he's gone and I only had you.
I don't know what could kill me more
you just don't care or pushed me to the floor.
I've tried again and again to hold my head up high
while everyone else looks so satified.
I don't know who or what to blame
was it you or me to start this open flame?
I don't know why I'm singly excluded
I feel I'm from another world, I'm diluted.
I don't know why I'm suprised you let me down
you could always turn my smile into a frown.
These words never seem to come out right
there truthful words always fill me with fright.
All this time I wouldn't pick up the phone
the tought that I needed to be alone
and the fact that when this wish comes true
I'm stuck to the wall like wood to glue.
This feeling of sorrow fills my gut
this pain in my head drives me nuts
If only what I feel I could write on this sheet
nothing can possibly pull me to my feet.
I have so little words with so much to say.
I don't know if it'd be the same another day.
I could cry for no reason or avoid the truth
that such a waste has come to my youth.
I'm so mad at so many, I can't name you all
but thanks for laughing everytime I would fall.
I don't know who in this world I can trust
but keep breathing and living it seems I must.
Nothing can ever go my way, perhaps
I can't find myself even with a map.
I'ts upsetting to think I've fallen below ground
where my screams are muted, I can't hear a sound.
so while I'm buried alive in this dirt,
noone will reason for panic,alert.
If I find my way through these soils
I'll have forgotten my plans and my deams will foil.
Thanks for standing by through all the brawls
It's comforting to know you got your all.
And when I disappear off the face of the earth
I won't have to deal when worst comes to worst.
I'm only ashamed I accepted all your lies
but everybody lives and everybody dies.
When I'm old enough to leave and be finally done
I'll pack my things and just fucking run.
Because for all these years I've been stuck in a place
where nobody wants to see my face.
I've been locked in a cage and I can't reach the key
I don't have an idea of whats become of me.
But when I run and I finally see
that I don't need anyone to agree
I don't need to listen to your pointless pleas
I know that day I'm happy, I'm free.
But just until that day comes and brings
a happiness that will make the birds sing
until that day you ask me a question and I'm due
to answer, it will always be fuck you.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Dear heartache, you're living in the past
06.15.09
Dear You,
Hey, How are you? Don't just say what's on the top of your mind, I really want to know. How do you feel inside? What are your thoughts at this very moment? I barely see you anymore, except for class. I look at you sometimes--you're so unhappy.You smile and laugh with the other guys around you, but I see right through. You're so torn--It hurts me to stare. After everything,I can't just not care anymore. But I can't even speak to you. Literally, we're not allowed to speak. As much as this is stupid to say, I fucking hate it. What happened today? So many times I wished all this stupid shit never happened. I wish it was day one, when we were lying on my bed and you were twirling my hair. Back in grade 8 when we had nothing to worry about, no stress. You kissed my lips and helf my chin. I was so in love. So,so in love with you. I had never felt those feelings before, and you made me so happy all the time. Where did we go wrong? Was it me? so many nights I ask myself the same question. Four months later and I still have to tell myself your not mine. at school, I even forget I can't just run up to you and jump into your arms like old times. After everything, where we are now, you still have a part of me. It'll never leave--do I even want it to? So many nights I've spent wasted and crying over you. Why can't I let go? All the pain and agony we've given eachother, I still look at you like I used to.
It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll never forget you unexpectedly ringing my doorbell and standing there with a dozen pink roses--pink because that's my favourite colour. It still seems so blurry to me, all the shit that's happened. When I think of you, I still think of you as the person you were when we were in love. The tiniest part of me still loves you dearly. I can say that with ease because I know you're never going to read this. I used to tell myself that life is too short to live with regret, but after you, so many times I wished I could take back things I've said and done. Good, what I'd do to hear your voice tell me what I'm imagining telling you. I know I broke your heart, and I know you hate me for it. I know this is just the beginning of going our own ways, but I can't get over it. I never thought this day would come. Ask me where I'd be in 5 years way back when, and first thing I'd say is still with my baby.
I hate this. It hurts so bad. I hate seeing you around. I can't take it.I've had my phone in my hands ready to call you so many times, knowing how much shit I could get in, but I didn't care. I've held back -- I dont want the change, but at the same time I just miss you so fucking bad. All the bullshit, pain and tears we've been through, how can I actually say I miss you? Why the fuck am I sitting here writing something you're never going to see? Why the fuck am I still crying over you? Why the fuck am I asking questions that will never be answered? We were never like anyone else. You were my best friend for so long. Even when I think of all the reasons I hate, It's not enough to take my mind off you for good. The pain isn't worth it, but I can't help it. Everytime I'm awake to see my clock at 3 a.m, I wishI was back in your arms and have you tell me,"everything is gonna be ok." I don't want to be, but just as badly I do. Why?! Fuck, why can I still say I love you? You tore me into a thousand pieces.
Countless nights spent crying over you. I don't know what I want. I never do. I hope this is for the best.. let me go.
Please.
signed,
YS <3
Dear You,
Hey, How are you? Don't just say what's on the top of your mind, I really want to know. How do you feel inside? What are your thoughts at this very moment? I barely see you anymore, except for class. I look at you sometimes--you're so unhappy.You smile and laugh with the other guys around you, but I see right through. You're so torn--It hurts me to stare. After everything,I can't just not care anymore. But I can't even speak to you. Literally, we're not allowed to speak. As much as this is stupid to say, I fucking hate it. What happened today? So many times I wished all this stupid shit never happened. I wish it was day one, when we were lying on my bed and you were twirling my hair. Back in grade 8 when we had nothing to worry about, no stress. You kissed my lips and helf my chin. I was so in love. So,so in love with you. I had never felt those feelings before, and you made me so happy all the time. Where did we go wrong? Was it me? so many nights I ask myself the same question. Four months later and I still have to tell myself your not mine. at school, I even forget I can't just run up to you and jump into your arms like old times. After everything, where we are now, you still have a part of me. It'll never leave--do I even want it to? So many nights I've spent wasted and crying over you. Why can't I let go? All the pain and agony we've given eachother, I still look at you like I used to.
It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll never forget you unexpectedly ringing my doorbell and standing there with a dozen pink roses--pink because that's my favourite colour. It still seems so blurry to me, all the shit that's happened. When I think of you, I still think of you as the person you were when we were in love. The tiniest part of me still loves you dearly. I can say that with ease because I know you're never going to read this. I used to tell myself that life is too short to live with regret, but after you, so many times I wished I could take back things I've said and done. Good, what I'd do to hear your voice tell me what I'm imagining telling you. I know I broke your heart, and I know you hate me for it. I know this is just the beginning of going our own ways, but I can't get over it. I never thought this day would come. Ask me where I'd be in 5 years way back when, and first thing I'd say is still with my baby.
I hate this. It hurts so bad. I hate seeing you around. I can't take it.I've had my phone in my hands ready to call you so many times, knowing how much shit I could get in, but I didn't care. I've held back -- I dont want the change, but at the same time I just miss you so fucking bad. All the bullshit, pain and tears we've been through, how can I actually say I miss you? Why the fuck am I sitting here writing something you're never going to see? Why the fuck am I still crying over you? Why the fuck am I asking questions that will never be answered? We were never like anyone else. You were my best friend for so long. Even when I think of all the reasons I hate, It's not enough to take my mind off you for good. The pain isn't worth it, but I can't help it. Everytime I'm awake to see my clock at 3 a.m, I wishI was back in your arms and have you tell me,"everything is gonna be ok." I don't want to be, but just as badly I do. Why?! Fuck, why can I still say I love you? You tore me into a thousand pieces.
Countless nights spent crying over you. I don't know what I want. I never do. I hope this is for the best.. let me go.
Please.
signed,
YS <3
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
God makes exceptions
'after all the pain, the regret, the loneliness you suffered
you've risen above the clouds, to a place that makes your heart flutter.
a place of beauty, a place of peace do you love
that shines throughout the whole land, a place something reminds you of.
flash back to a time of darkness, a tunnel where at the end, there's light.
that must be the place, the place where your heart was most contrite.
but when you're just about to reach it, something's pulling you back
reality takes over, and you're left with mystery, left without facts.
the memory of this hath fade, where you lay in a hospital bed
where you remember the recent past, with all the danger you fed.
when you look up it's your family, eyes filled with tears of worry
suddenly making you furious with only yourself, with thinking you're not worthy.
but you made that mistake, again and again, didn't you?"third time's the charm"
i guess you tried to be better, but really could you only cause yourself harm.
i wanted, needed you to grasp the meaning, the worth of life
but you failed, i failed. and now here you've come: to the light.
so what is this place, you ask? well it's heaven, of course!
i see your smile has faded, what surprise! why grow so remorse?
normal reaction, would people glad to be accepted to glory
but there's something more to your face, a reason to be sorry.
'so i told him my story. i told him my regret
of leaving my friends, my family, they don't deserve what they get.
despite the bad times, there were more of the good, that is what i know
i can't leave them, they'll be in pain, is what i loathe.
so he listened, and he said, 'that's quite a selfless thing to say.
i will make you a deal, a deal quite rare, something i don't do every day.
i will turn back the time, to March 25th, the day your daughter came to see
how you were, to spend time with you, but to her dismay, were you asleep.'
the tears strolled down my face as he continued much further
'if you agree, you shall not tell anyone of your visit, not her, will it allure her.
you must clean up, and yes, it will be painful, but to you will it be worth
your family, your friends, your life. now are you sure?'
i agreed as quickly as possible, and all he did was look down
and the next thing i knew, i saw my daughter in the hall with a frown.
but i sat up quickly, and her face lit up. for it was me when her face had fell
but now i was there, i am here, this is me. but truth i shall never tell.
wishes don't come true, but dreams are all i'm left with.
you've risen above the clouds, to a place that makes your heart flutter.
a place of beauty, a place of peace do you love
that shines throughout the whole land, a place something reminds you of.
flash back to a time of darkness, a tunnel where at the end, there's light.
that must be the place, the place where your heart was most contrite.
but when you're just about to reach it, something's pulling you back
reality takes over, and you're left with mystery, left without facts.
the memory of this hath fade, where you lay in a hospital bed
where you remember the recent past, with all the danger you fed.
when you look up it's your family, eyes filled with tears of worry
suddenly making you furious with only yourself, with thinking you're not worthy.
but you made that mistake, again and again, didn't you?"third time's the charm"
i guess you tried to be better, but really could you only cause yourself harm.
i wanted, needed you to grasp the meaning, the worth of life
but you failed, i failed. and now here you've come: to the light.
so what is this place, you ask? well it's heaven, of course!
i see your smile has faded, what surprise! why grow so remorse?
normal reaction, would people glad to be accepted to glory
but there's something more to your face, a reason to be sorry.
'so i told him my story. i told him my regret
of leaving my friends, my family, they don't deserve what they get.
despite the bad times, there were more of the good, that is what i know
i can't leave them, they'll be in pain, is what i loathe.
so he listened, and he said, 'that's quite a selfless thing to say.
i will make you a deal, a deal quite rare, something i don't do every day.
i will turn back the time, to March 25th, the day your daughter came to see
how you were, to spend time with you, but to her dismay, were you asleep.'
the tears strolled down my face as he continued much further
'if you agree, you shall not tell anyone of your visit, not her, will it allure her.
you must clean up, and yes, it will be painful, but to you will it be worth
your family, your friends, your life. now are you sure?'
i agreed as quickly as possible, and all he did was look down
and the next thing i knew, i saw my daughter in the hall with a frown.
but i sat up quickly, and her face lit up. for it was me when her face had fell
but now i was there, i am here, this is me. but truth i shall never tell.
wishes don't come true, but dreams are all i'm left with.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
God makes exceptions
'after all the pain, the regret, the loneliness you suffered
you've risen above the clouds, to a place that makes your heart flutter.
a place of beauty, a place of peace do you love
that shines throughout the whole land, a place something reminds you of.
flash back to a time of darkness, a tunnel where at the end, there's light.
that must be the place, the place where your heart was most contrite.
but when you're just about to reach it, something's pulling you back
reality takes over, and you're left with mystery, left without facts.
the memory of this hath fade, where you lay in a hospital bed
where you remember the recent past, with all the danger you fed.
when you look up it's your family, eyes filled with tears of worry
suddenly making you furious with only yourself, with thinking you're not worthy.
but you made that mistake, again and again, didn't you? "third time's the charm"
i guess you tried to be better, but really could you only cause yourself harm.
i wanted, needed you to grasp the meaning, the worth of life
but you failed, i failed. and now here you've come: to the light.
so what is this place, you ask? well it's heaven, of course!
i see your smile has faded, what surprise! why grow so remorse?
normal reaction, would people glad to be accepted to glory
but there's something more to your face, a reason to be sorry.'
so i told him my story. i told him my regret
of leaving my friends, my family, they don't deserve what they get.
despite the bad times, there were more of the good, that is what i know
i can't leave them, they'll be in pain, is what i loathe.
so he listened, and he said, 'that's quite a selfless thing to say.
i will make you a deal, a deal quite rare, something i don't do every day.
i will turn back the time, to March 25th, the day your daughter came to see
how you were, to spend time with you, but to her dismay, were you asleep.'
the tears strolled down my face as he continued much further
'if you agree, you shall not tell anyone of your visit, not her, will it allure her.
you must clean up, and yes, it will be painful, but to you will it be worth
your family, your friends, your life. now are you sure?'
i agreed as quickly as possible, and all he did was look down
and the next thing i knew, i saw my daughter in the hall with a frown.
but i sat up quickly, and her face lit up. for it was me when her face had fell
but now i was there, i am here, this is me. but truth i shall never tell.
wishes don't come true, but dreams are all i'm left with.
you've risen above the clouds, to a place that makes your heart flutter.
a place of beauty, a place of peace do you love
that shines throughout the whole land, a place something reminds you of.
flash back to a time of darkness, a tunnel where at the end, there's light.
that must be the place, the place where your heart was most contrite.
but when you're just about to reach it, something's pulling you back
reality takes over, and you're left with mystery, left without facts.
the memory of this hath fade, where you lay in a hospital bed
where you remember the recent past, with all the danger you fed.
when you look up it's your family, eyes filled with tears of worry
suddenly making you furious with only yourself, with thinking you're not worthy.
but you made that mistake, again and again, didn't you? "third time's the charm"
i guess you tried to be better, but really could you only cause yourself harm.
i wanted, needed you to grasp the meaning, the worth of life
but you failed, i failed. and now here you've come: to the light.
so what is this place, you ask? well it's heaven, of course!
i see your smile has faded, what surprise! why grow so remorse?
normal reaction, would people glad to be accepted to glory
but there's something more to your face, a reason to be sorry.'
so i told him my story. i told him my regret
of leaving my friends, my family, they don't deserve what they get.
despite the bad times, there were more of the good, that is what i know
i can't leave them, they'll be in pain, is what i loathe.
so he listened, and he said, 'that's quite a selfless thing to say.
i will make you a deal, a deal quite rare, something i don't do every day.
i will turn back the time, to March 25th, the day your daughter came to see
how you were, to spend time with you, but to her dismay, were you asleep.'
the tears strolled down my face as he continued much further
'if you agree, you shall not tell anyone of your visit, not her, will it allure her.
you must clean up, and yes, it will be painful, but to you will it be worth
your family, your friends, your life. now are you sure?'
i agreed as quickly as possible, and all he did was look down
and the next thing i knew, i saw my daughter in the hall with a frown.
but i sat up quickly, and her face lit up. for it was me when her face had fell
but now i was there, i am here, this is me. but truth i shall never tell.
wishes don't come true, but dreams are all i'm left with.
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