So the Stupid Speaks

I know that you know that you've become the target of this hand. Well I know that you know that you're the only thing I can't stand. I'm waiting for a 90 mile water wall to take me out of your view, I'm looking for a trap door trigger to drop me out of your view. Yes I'm listening, I can tell you're serious. So you can make another claim? Well go ahead and make it.

You.
Me.
A train wreck waiting to happen.
The words of those who hold authority,
Who surround,
Who crowd, making it difficult to see clear.
How can you smile when one too many
Predict my fate, in my sullen state,
And make accusations? How is that fair,
Just because you are above does not mean
You aren't mentally below.
To be told a future grim
To be full to the brim with emotion
That you cannot handle
Setting in motion seems to be the plan,
But maybe is an impossibility, to be able to
Follow though.
So long ago, and for an eternal chapter
A wall that was made, never to be broken.
Never to be spoken, the silent wall
I trusted its able to never let me fall.
One day I broke it down and tore it to pieces
And now I see the stupidity within my actions
As people walk in and out
Steal so I can be without.
The wall made sense, now I am senseless
With all the nonexistent pretenses
The wall made a common moral, now I am reckless
And authority sees me as pointless,
Problemed,
Stupid,
Careless,
Embarrassed.
I am none of those for who I am
They try to tell me I am famined from
A nourishment of reality?
Reality on a plate, a nightly serve
On my kitchen table.
This is the everlasting problem
That people reserve a place in my mind
Tell me every solution they are to find
That this will work,
That I will not hurt.
So at the kitchen table I will sit
Tell you all ideas are complete bullshit
It is a vice
To take advice
From one who knows nothing about
The ever consideration of doubt.
So I smile within my strengths
Grit my teeth within the lengths of hardships
But life is complete only with disgraced
Relationships.
So as you sit at my kitchen table,
Don't you dare speak the words that portray me
As a problemed,
Stupid,
Careless,
Embarassed
Child.
I am nothing close to be the holding of your knowledge
You can create a picture
But you will never know my realtiy.
Because perceptions are only different
Because you are, and never will be
You never will really see
Me for Me.
And that's just the way it is.

xoxo

The Past Returns

Could I honestly have to fake what I have to say to you?
Right now, nothing could hold back the strong tongue
The one that will reveal you my heart
Maybe your ears are to bleed
But at least we'll finally see
Eye to eye
No more disguise.
I haven't lied, per say
But from that day I hid my eyes
I didn't want you to see what was held
Within, there was something curel that wished to touch
What very much of very little you had to offer
A little softer, now I am, now it is.
You spoke the words I knew were truth
A detriment among my youth
Words from others' mouths I percieved
And truly believed your wish was to decieve.
But now I see all of honesty
All of reality, all of me to you.
Though you can't always stay true
To your word, it's society that fucks it over.
False Impressions were once too sobering
Words I wrote but was not to speak off lines
Ignorance was twice of mine
Contradictions cease to cease
And anger is to release.
Three times is charm
You mean no harm
But I cannot smile.
All I taste is bile within a dry mouth
Why it is so hard to smile within an event
Where I cannot vent
You are a godsent
But a detriment to the lines of a puzzle.
Nothing will match
Not me and you
Nothing will do.
But at times we must
Put all complete trust
In what fate thrusts at our path.
The aftermath is nonexistent
Without a tinge of anger's existence
Peace is never to be found
As we sit in a forests' darkest grounds
And like a book so gracefully bound
Pages will turn
Numbers will climb
And soon it will be time
Don't fret, I bet
The fire will burn tall trees to the floor
So we can see the future's more
And know what cures won't heal the sores
That life is inevitably to give
To live?
To bind what is ours
What grace is to shower
Upon our heads
Unless...we end up dead.

xoxo

Four

Vacate is the word, vengeance has no place on me or her. Cannot find the comfort in this world. Artificial tears; vessel stabbed, next up, volunteers? Vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere. A truant finds home, and a wish to hold on. But there's a trapdoor in the Sun.

Streetlamp is to burn bright
But I say turn out the fucking light
Cannot think with what burns my face
What my soul has disgraced me with.
Thoughts were just thoughts but reality hit
Didn't know what to think of it
Didn't know if to hurt or miss
Didn't know at first if it was worth the risk.
Now I guess I am to know
Didn't know if you hid or show
You held something within your hands
I distanced myself from your demands
I didn't hide, I gave you a chance
But you didn't grant me your second glance.
I could dream, I could hope
I could cry and I could mope
But I won't. What would grief give
To demand to see what no longer lives
To see empty bottles all over the floor
Stacked on top of what is no more.
Slipping through the cracks, they're ever loose
What is worth a chair and a noose
Cruelty is me, cruelty is you
These kinds of things are nothing new.
To have something to give, pain it brings
Hurts my heart, my eyes it stings
To let a wall down is to destroy what you build
To find it wasn't ever to last, though I knew
To know there was nothing to me and you.
It was a play, it was a game
But in this piece there is no blame.
Peace is distant and silent
But so is the ever knocking violence.
There's nothing to feel once you fall
I only know I'm building back up the wall.
Numb is better than what I feel
So I let the rest of you grab and steal.
Rest in peace in the ever silent piece
That's to you.
And to the numbing cold
Without a name in the night
To the streetlamp that had to turn out its light
Without a fight, without being haunted
I really just hope you got what you wanted.

xoxo

God Said Today

Do you really think you can just put it in the safe, behind a painting, lock it up and leave? But if it went away, I'll get over it now, I'll get money, I'll get funny again. You expected something, something better than before. You expected something more.

To stand with silence as music, to dance with no movement. To see the worth of all around is my true motivation, my pure wants and needs mixed as one.
To stand in the middle of an empty path. No roads, no houses, no trees, no hills, no grass, no nothing. Just dirt that resolves to every grain of my life, a sky above that says there is more. Not to know, to have or to hold, not knowledge or wisdom, it is his. He says there is more to give, so I keep moving. I walk away along the flat path, a life miles upon miles away. My bones ache and my heart says this is so ever pointless, but I keep moving.
To have lost one, then another, then a million more. I lost all humanity that once surrounded, and now I am crowded with space. Insanity results with no one around, mystery is excluded by ignorance and a dry throat has left me with nothing to say. God said today, I set you free from your cage, go and live life from page to page. My body left but did not my soul, and so it corrodes in the metal prison.
To finally stand before a mountain tall, this is where the commitment compensates. God called and said he'd grant me glory for a climb, a better story. I walked up the roundabout path, I reached the top. There was nothing to find. God was a voice and life was my choice, and it was to stand but I corroded it within my hands, as I am acid. I am the problem.
To know I could have never died, I cried...and cried..and cried.

xoxo

A Blind Vision

They can't comprehend, or even come close to understanding him. I guess if I was boring they would love me more, guess if I were simple in the mind, everything would be fine.
The ones that make it complicated never get congratulated.

Half the glass
Never full
It cracks while I push
You are to pull.
I can't see my wants
A blind vision
A guess
A need?
A want.
No control
While your soul
Sits with content
For I am the hearted
Vent.
Maybe I am an act
Though
Maybe this is a play
So
Truely, I don't know.
I don't know you
He
Her
Me.
We?
Community or society?
Wrong or right?
What am I fighting for?
Confusion or delusion
Explosion or corrosion.
I am too far gone
To understand the
Divinity of myself
Either way, for her
For him, for me, for we,
To be a decoy
I am destroyed.
Haunted.
Ghosts and illusions
Monsters and intrusions
Are masked as baffling thoughts
A crowd in my head
Sets flare to the fact
That I can't own a
Morally conscious soul.
The acceptions are exceptions
The yes's are complete rejections
A game, a play
I can't follow
I feel I am running to
Connect with hollow
Demons running from
Me.
Life has deserted me
Of energy.
I wish so much to be simple
Maybe enemies would ignore
Therefore life would be
A breeze, maybe a bore
But a wind that twirls
My fate, causes me to smile
No reason to be scared
All is worth the while.
But my life
Is complex, my heart
A treasure chest
With no shiny gold
Nothing worthy to hold.
My mind is a question
An overflow of
Confusion
I can't rise above
To witness simplicity
And nothing is right
But I won't fight
For a better finality.
My vitality wears thin
My vision is black
While everybody grins
I turn my back.
Sleep is witheld within
So like sins I am
Condemned
Dreams are nothing
For a wait.
So I sit on the cloud
Like pure dead weight
And wait to awaken
Wait for morning
To a no new worth
To a no new birth
All opportunities shot
By those who do not
Know me but don't
Want me.
I can't stand for this.
I won't live with this.
But of course
As I feel without a voice
I have no other choice.
So as the world goes on
As everybody else
Moves along
Time is put to a stop
Where nobody
Is to talk
Because the clock
Refuses to tick
The puzzle pieces wont fit
I can't click, connect
With what death constantly
Forces me to protect.

My life? It's ever dry
But I am too scared to die.