Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
You stood like a hero
Over a shining sea
That sea of obstacles just for me
You made me promises
Promises that you couldn't keep
To guide me over this water
And wipe every tear I weep.
The sun flowed behind your back
I smile at the image everytime I'm looking back.
You were such a flame to fire
In a darkened freezing wood
I feel remorse now that I think of it
Not having done everything I could.
My years flawed my chances
And the challenges, you guided me through some
But they were not half the depth of my heart
You've guided me through none
None that truly matter.
I don't hate you
I don't find you disagree
I don't wait for you
To show your glowing face.
I find that you held sins
Accidents you couldn't rid
Sins that ruined your life
An auction where no one would bid.
I've added years to being livid
Thinking you were timid.
I've added years full of fault
I've added to your wounds more salt.
Some of this hold truth
But I don't find you fault.
You were caught in a game
That held only fatal result,
You've added years of an obstacle, yes
You shine over my sea no more.
You've drowned in my freezing mess
An ocean too far from shore.
You've turned into a lesson of dread
of mourning, of sadness, to forgive.
It's a part of my life to recall that you're dead
But to remember you when you had lived.
Sometimes I see your flame under my sea
Sometimes I wish to see the shore
And in your flame it's reminding me
It was always your heart I adored.
You were my enemy
You were my regret
You were my sadness.
You are my hero
You are my friend
You are my guide.
My heart sinks in the sea
Because I can feel you beside me.
You're trying to lift me back up
But I can't decipher happiness
Between myself and this mess.
This statement is half the truth
The other half is a lie.
You stole a piece of my heart
The day you had to die.
These songs
No longer had meaning
These photos
No longer hold depth
How the fuck am I supposed
To find hope,
When all I see is your death?
I can't reedem it
You won't give it up.
I'll never get over it
And that's just how I fucking feel.
Because I'll play truth
While he'll play dead
The rest of the world
A tear won't shed.
So fuck being strong
And fuck the moral to forgive
Because I'll accept being wrong
As long as I can feel what I feel
As long as I fucking live.
Over a shining sea
That sea of obstacles just for me
You made me promises
Promises that you couldn't keep
To guide me over this water
And wipe every tear I weep.
The sun flowed behind your back
I smile at the image everytime I'm looking back.
You were such a flame to fire
In a darkened freezing wood
I feel remorse now that I think of it
Not having done everything I could.
My years flawed my chances
And the challenges, you guided me through some
But they were not half the depth of my heart
You've guided me through none
None that truly matter.
I don't hate you
I don't find you disagree
I don't wait for you
To show your glowing face.
I find that you held sins
Accidents you couldn't rid
Sins that ruined your life
An auction where no one would bid.
I've added years to being livid
Thinking you were timid.
I've added years full of fault
I've added to your wounds more salt.
Some of this hold truth
But I don't find you fault.
You were caught in a game
That held only fatal result,
You've added years of an obstacle, yes
You shine over my sea no more.
You've drowned in my freezing mess
An ocean too far from shore.
You've turned into a lesson of dread
of mourning, of sadness, to forgive.
It's a part of my life to recall that you're dead
But to remember you when you had lived.
Sometimes I see your flame under my sea
Sometimes I wish to see the shore
And in your flame it's reminding me
It was always your heart I adored.
You were my enemy
You were my regret
You were my sadness.
You are my hero
You are my friend
You are my guide.
My heart sinks in the sea
Because I can feel you beside me.
You're trying to lift me back up
But I can't decipher happiness
Between myself and this mess.
This statement is half the truth
The other half is a lie.
You stole a piece of my heart
The day you had to die.
These songs
No longer had meaning
These photos
No longer hold depth
How the fuck am I supposed
To find hope,
When all I see is your death?
I can't reedem it
You won't give it up.
I'll never get over it
And that's just how I fucking feel.
Because I'll play truth
While he'll play dead
The rest of the world
A tear won't shed.
So fuck being strong
And fuck the moral to forgive
Because I'll accept being wrong
As long as I can feel what I feel
As long as I fucking live.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Transparent to shadowed souls
Stop mentally blinking, people. You could know it all if you just stopped for a second and forgot about the chains that held you to the ground. They're only transparent, as are your shadowed souls.
A few things. I don't sleep, authority pisses me off subconsciously, shakespeare has gotten to me, and I've had the word Riot in my head all day so I had to use it.
22 Dec 2009
I've found my ink too general
so I search
and I find
and I question.
Do you know?
Does she see?
Would I care?
Does he think?
Blink.
Life leaves you dense.
Your mind too heavy
to question those of
authority.
We obey
because if we dare
betray
we stare at cell bars
and blocks of cold concrete.
Would you stand to your feet?
Riot and scream?
Never decieve?
Stand up fror what you believe?
You tell me.
I want to know.
Free it from your mind
because I find judgement
a hyprocrite's lover
and I see those who dwell in that
drown in so called lover.
Hold it.
Do we think thoughts in
descended ideas?
Do we see visions of
supernatural above
our heads and allow it
to sway with the wind,
always?
Flashes
of green that infect your shadowed souls
see it as it passes.
Could you believe?
Respond to the molds
you created with passion
But people forget.
But people let go.
But I withold.
Could I see danger
in what I find
convenience?
You tell me.
I want to know.
I find what I question
in constant repitition
if their thoughts and mind
are twine to mine
Would I flee?
Would I vanish to soul state?
If I flashed a green light
to shadowed souls?
Are you free
from invasion?
Are you free
from temptation?
Would you recall so well?
Maybe I see as you dwell
for what you wish wasn't.
Are secrets true? Or are they all fake?
Or do we have an unspoken mistake?
Do I know strangers? walking down a path
knowing one from another, a laugh from a laugh?
Do think what you really see?
Do you see what you really think?
Blink
Which one rights the wrong?
let it be
says authority.
I say, obviously:
You tell me.
I want to know
but you say
okay.
Did you see yourself sway
with the wind, up and away?
You blinked.
(:
A few things. I don't sleep, authority pisses me off subconsciously, shakespeare has gotten to me, and I've had the word Riot in my head all day so I had to use it.
22 Dec 2009
I've found my ink too general
so I search
and I find
and I question.
Do you know?
Does she see?
Would I care?
Does he think?
Blink.
Life leaves you dense.
Your mind too heavy
to question those of
authority.
We obey
because if we dare
betray
we stare at cell bars
and blocks of cold concrete.
Would you stand to your feet?
Riot and scream?
Never decieve?
Stand up fror what you believe?
You tell me.
I want to know.
Free it from your mind
because I find judgement
a hyprocrite's lover
and I see those who dwell in that
drown in so called lover.
Hold it.
Do we think thoughts in
descended ideas?
Do we see visions of
supernatural above
our heads and allow it
to sway with the wind,
always?
Flashes
of green that infect your shadowed souls
see it as it passes.
Could you believe?
Respond to the molds
you created with passion
But people forget.
But people let go.
But I withold.
Could I see danger
in what I find
convenience?
You tell me.
I want to know.
I find what I question
in constant repitition
if their thoughts and mind
are twine to mine
Would I flee?
Would I vanish to soul state?
If I flashed a green light
to shadowed souls?
Are you free
from invasion?
Are you free
from temptation?
Would you recall so well?
Maybe I see as you dwell
for what you wish wasn't.
Are secrets true? Or are they all fake?
Or do we have an unspoken mistake?
Do I know strangers? walking down a path
knowing one from another, a laugh from a laugh?
Do think what you really see?
Do you see what you really think?
Blink
Which one rights the wrong?
let it be
says authority.
I say, obviously:
You tell me.
I want to know
but you say
okay.
Did you see yourself sway
with the wind, up and away?
You blinked.
(:
Monday, December 21, 2009
Enlighten
I knew a girl very long ago,
at the start of her teenage years.
She was always in a state so low,
Always ridden with tears.
There was family portrait to be taken
Her happy soul you couldn't awaken.
Never to be guided with good fortune,
Demons upon demons surrounding her.
"Sweetheart, you smile so vacantly.
Think happy thoughts creatively."
She conjures none in her stone gray head.
You can't change the past, it's dead.
"You were never sad, never alone
How do you know being depression prone?
Do you know why my heart is stone?
what do you know about being alone?"
Her dreams when slumber appears?
They're full of happiness, with not one tear.
Them being parallel, erased when awake
No smiles are hers to take.
Her dreams were in fields, the sun and grass
she lay flowers upon his grave with class.
You could say he stole her heart then flew away,
Replacing it with stones, day after day.
As time moves on she moves from shadows,
them being triumphed by the sun.
One day a Little Girl came to her and said,
"you can't change the past. what's done is done."
In this dream, Little Girl held a flower,
An aura- glowed deep red with power.
But she just smiled happily,
she wanted Stone Girl to reach.
Stone Girl looks at the flower with confusion
Little girl say, " whats matters? I'm just an illusion."
Stone Girl took the flower in her hands and it died,
Little Girl ran away and cried and cried.
Stone Girl awakes with a strange occurrence
She remembers the dream with complete endurance.
Little Girl cried and ran for miles,
Stone Girl awakes and truly smiles.
That red flower, that defined perfection daisy
Glowing with red, making her eyes hazy.
She took the perfect flower in her hands
it dries and dies, Stone Girl understands.
I knew a girl very long ago,
Demons wouldn't let her be.
The destined dream replaced a heart from stones
That Stone Girl, used to be me.
at the start of her teenage years.
She was always in a state so low,
Always ridden with tears.
There was family portrait to be taken
Her happy soul you couldn't awaken.
Never to be guided with good fortune,
Demons upon demons surrounding her.
"Sweetheart, you smile so vacantly.
Think happy thoughts creatively."
She conjures none in her stone gray head.
You can't change the past, it's dead.
"You were never sad, never alone
How do you know being depression prone?
Do you know why my heart is stone?
what do you know about being alone?"
Her dreams when slumber appears?
They're full of happiness, with not one tear.
Them being parallel, erased when awake
No smiles are hers to take.
Her dreams were in fields, the sun and grass
she lay flowers upon his grave with class.
You could say he stole her heart then flew away,
Replacing it with stones, day after day.
As time moves on she moves from shadows,
them being triumphed by the sun.
One day a Little Girl came to her and said,
"you can't change the past. what's done is done."
In this dream, Little Girl held a flower,
An aura- glowed deep red with power.
But she just smiled happily,
she wanted Stone Girl to reach.
Stone Girl looks at the flower with confusion
Little girl say, " whats matters? I'm just an illusion."
Stone Girl took the flower in her hands and it died,
Little Girl ran away and cried and cried.
Stone Girl awakes with a strange occurrence
She remembers the dream with complete endurance.
Little Girl cried and ran for miles,
Stone Girl awakes and truly smiles.
That red flower, that defined perfection daisy
Glowing with red, making her eyes hazy.
She took the perfect flower in her hands
it dries and dies, Stone Girl understands.
I knew a girl very long ago,
Demons wouldn't let her be.
The destined dream replaced a heart from stones
That Stone Girl, used to be me.
Hope and Love but Doubt
"If you want this disease"
It's a choice.
"If you want to set your heart free"
Have a voice.
What most don't comprehend
is what we can't see.
Hold love, Hope and doubt in your hands.
"who do you want to be?"
These three components, they're straight fact
A disease you can choose to consume.
"But once you agree, you can't turn back"
They're toxic and permanent fumes.
These terms of hope? Patience it ignores
A happily fought feud in your heart.
Terminate patience an dpain will restore
A pain shot to skin like a dart.
This agreement that love beckons?
Well, now you're just screwed.
It'll enlighten for vary seconds
then infect you, like you knew.
But doubt is the cancer cell
it's a packaged deal
with Hope and Love, can you tell?
This will make you feel.
It's a disease you can never rid
And in Radiation Love will grow
Forgetting everything that they did
Acceptance will make your heart glow.
It's a disease that we all once chose.
Wheter you, or you, ever knew
In our eyes in reflects and show
to terms we couldn't hold true.
It's a black and white romance
That infects us and shouts
Shaking our bones, making us dance
with hope and love--
Cancerous with doubt,
I see it in you, and you , and you.
Remember when you stop glowing
that is overdue when you lose your crown,
that Hope and Love are temporarily a happy defeat
And it breaks you down.
You, and you, and you, to the soles of your feet,
And of course, me, too.
It's a choice.
"If you want to set your heart free"
Have a voice.
What most don't comprehend
is what we can't see.
Hold love, Hope and doubt in your hands.
"who do you want to be?"
These three components, they're straight fact
A disease you can choose to consume.
"But once you agree, you can't turn back"
They're toxic and permanent fumes.
These terms of hope? Patience it ignores
A happily fought feud in your heart.
Terminate patience an dpain will restore
A pain shot to skin like a dart.
This agreement that love beckons?
Well, now you're just screwed.
It'll enlighten for vary seconds
then infect you, like you knew.
But doubt is the cancer cell
it's a packaged deal
with Hope and Love, can you tell?
This will make you feel.
It's a disease you can never rid
And in Radiation Love will grow
Forgetting everything that they did
Acceptance will make your heart glow.
It's a disease that we all once chose.
Wheter you, or you, ever knew
In our eyes in reflects and show
to terms we couldn't hold true.
It's a black and white romance
That infects us and shouts
Shaking our bones, making us dance
with hope and love--
Cancerous with doubt,
I see it in you, and you , and you.
Remember when you stop glowing
that is overdue when you lose your crown,
that Hope and Love are temporarily a happy defeat
And it breaks you down.
You, and you, and you, to the soles of your feet,
And of course, me, too.
I wish I was a tree
11.08.09
Salvation-Citizen Cope
Lucky you-The National
I wish I was a tree
a tiny insect
that means nothing to me.
Leaves rid the naked trees
mid autumn days.
They cannot survive
the harsh change of weather.
Cold days
Cloudly ways
depression scripts the death
of all who cannot survive.
But that oak tree is still standing
buried deep into the ground
He is still standing.
He feels the cold
He feels the demise of his leaves
of everything around him
but he remains
standing 10 feet tall.
My ex-lover
my still lover
I think of you
my arrogance
my ignorance
involuntary inflected pain.
Intentions broken
heart unspoken
drowning in the love that will never leave.
If I was able
to ask how you remain stable
You avoid it with everything in you.
I feel your pain
I feel your tears on my fingertips
resulting in agony.
I idolize
the love you hold so close to me
with everything I have.
From the tips of my toes
to the depth of my weakning bones
you mean so much to me.
The day you left my mind
I remained in yours
never a day did you go on
without wondering
just how I was.
I admire
your grace
your talents
all the lovely chemicals you see in me
that no one else does.
My callouses
tore you limb from limb
but your desire never died
it never died.
Constant thoughts race through me
yet I always come back to this.
Let me become
what destiny has planned.
Maybe the future
will better let me appreciate
the beautiful person you are
You're beautiful
inside and out
I see it
but I don't always feel it.
You need this
You deserve this
You deserve everything
the universe robbed you of.
You truly do.
Love
your favourite
Salvation-Citizen Cope
Lucky you-The National
I wish I was a tree
a tiny insect
that means nothing to me.
Leaves rid the naked trees
mid autumn days.
They cannot survive
the harsh change of weather.
Cold days
Cloudly ways
depression scripts the death
of all who cannot survive.
But that oak tree is still standing
buried deep into the ground
He is still standing.
He feels the cold
He feels the demise of his leaves
of everything around him
but he remains
standing 10 feet tall.
My ex-lover
my still lover
I think of you
my arrogance
my ignorance
involuntary inflected pain.
Intentions broken
heart unspoken
drowning in the love that will never leave.
If I was able
to ask how you remain stable
You avoid it with everything in you.
I feel your pain
I feel your tears on my fingertips
resulting in agony.
I idolize
the love you hold so close to me
with everything I have.
From the tips of my toes
to the depth of my weakning bones
you mean so much to me.
The day you left my mind
I remained in yours
never a day did you go on
without wondering
just how I was.
I admire
your grace
your talents
all the lovely chemicals you see in me
that no one else does.
My callouses
tore you limb from limb
but your desire never died
it never died.
Constant thoughts race through me
yet I always come back to this.
Let me become
what destiny has planned.
Maybe the future
will better let me appreciate
the beautiful person you are
You're beautiful
inside and out
I see it
but I don't always feel it.
You need this
You deserve this
You deserve everything
the universe robbed you of.
You truly do.
Love
your favourite
you always
Back. Back into my life. Back into my head. That's
where you are. I kinda hate it...but I like it.
Sometimes I think I'm gonna cry. Other times
I just get so frustrated.
I have my life back. Something I was never
used to. A year of the same routine and it gets
lost somewhere in the abyss of your thoughts
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Holding hands with love
We've been trying for too long. Every time we drift we're forcing what is wrong. I am taking sight. Don't hold this war in time.
I've grown to love blank pages - they're free and hold no boundaries I can't exceed.
Love is thought out to be infatuated and hated all the more, but I appreciate its worth within the walls I am confined. I laugh because I call this Aurora. So much hate, it seems I'm drama prone. But I know I don't walk through it alone.
It's a mystery - we feel we know love's ethics, but I must confess I do not. I feel I've never truly loved anything, but I wish to break free from this box I am imprisoned. With me it's been trial and error, lying to my heart and convincing infatuation. This is all against the rules I cannot help but break. How do I abide? I keep trying, hoping for success. I apologize to those I've hurt along the way.
I used to see love as a ghost, and it seems I still do. It will jump my nerves, and cause me to dive in from a board when I wasn't ready. I was waiting for love to find me and gently hold my hand, but it scared me in stead. Do I agree with this tactic? Absolutely not.
As a human I search for security concerning risk, it being even more risky involving one other. Besides me love tries to one up it, and again, I cannot say I agree. And maybe that's the problem within my relationship with love - we cannot find fit circumstances to match our wants and needs. I just want it to bend down, take my hand, and lead me through the battlefield. I want love to guide my heart, but to me it seems love is greedy and has no patience - this is where things go terribly wrong, causing dread and regret within my conscience. Another heart I hug, then squeeze, then slam.
I don't know where I can find an axis of symmetry, a turning point within my downfall. So much I wish to run away from it, I never realize I run from risk without even thinking - without a sense of confrontation.
Kisses and missing you, happiness and content. Heart breaking concepts and fatal mistakes - it's all a combination within the word love - a feeling I wish so much to be the truth, though I cannot understand it. I just wish to smile and hold its hand, but it's harder than I had thought. Maybe it's the concept that with losing so much I cannot be open to the idea. I just can't. I step back and forth over the line, but I can't fully commit. I envy those who are able.
It's a black sea I stand above, the size of the universe it is, and my platform an abyss. The misty air surrounds me in comfort, and the sea below me appears freezing and dark and a fatal possibility. Dark waves crash against the rigid rocks, and I shiver down to my freezing bones within the thought of jumping. Spirit ceases to guide me, I feel it knows this is something to live through and learn myself.
Forever is a long time and time I do hold within my hands, but it's a questionable concept and a matter of my wants and of patience. I know there are those willing to give - ready to jump from their own abyss. It's something I appreciate but do not understand. This is what scares me out of infatuation the most. To know why I do not, it's a mystery within the black sea. I cannot say I'm yet ready to dive in.
Maybe I'm willing to wade in shallow waters, where maybe the sun clears the infamous darkness. The question is if I will take the risk, but faced with confrontation the decision isn't true within my heart. Maybe it's a pure aspect of regret, hating the feeling and matching the physical to the unstable mentality, and then I seek to regret. Later I will still question, then try again. I apologize for my trial and error tactics, but I guess that's the way love within life goes. I'll be the short end of the stick at one point or another, I'm sure, as I feel I already am within the boundaries of myself.
Like a fire, the wood burns and then crashes, summing up to ashes - played with and mangled, but I'll be the angel. Somewhere in the mix I'll be picking up my ashes, replanting the seed for a tree to grow and comfort me. Make them back into wood to burn and we'll do it again, hoping ties will never sever, never something I'm obligated to mend. Hoping sparks will ignite with the flames, never burning down to their very grains. Hoping to feel and seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
I've grown to love blank pages - they're free and hold no boundaries I can't exceed.
Love is thought out to be infatuated and hated all the more, but I appreciate its worth within the walls I am confined. I laugh because I call this Aurora. So much hate, it seems I'm drama prone. But I know I don't walk through it alone.
It's a mystery - we feel we know love's ethics, but I must confess I do not. I feel I've never truly loved anything, but I wish to break free from this box I am imprisoned. With me it's been trial and error, lying to my heart and convincing infatuation. This is all against the rules I cannot help but break. How do I abide? I keep trying, hoping for success. I apologize to those I've hurt along the way.
I used to see love as a ghost, and it seems I still do. It will jump my nerves, and cause me to dive in from a board when I wasn't ready. I was waiting for love to find me and gently hold my hand, but it scared me in stead. Do I agree with this tactic? Absolutely not.
As a human I search for security concerning risk, it being even more risky involving one other. Besides me love tries to one up it, and again, I cannot say I agree. And maybe that's the problem within my relationship with love - we cannot find fit circumstances to match our wants and needs. I just want it to bend down, take my hand, and lead me through the battlefield. I want love to guide my heart, but to me it seems love is greedy and has no patience - this is where things go terribly wrong, causing dread and regret within my conscience. Another heart I hug, then squeeze, then slam.
I don't know where I can find an axis of symmetry, a turning point within my downfall. So much I wish to run away from it, I never realize I run from risk without even thinking - without a sense of confrontation.
Kisses and missing you, happiness and content. Heart breaking concepts and fatal mistakes - it's all a combination within the word love - a feeling I wish so much to be the truth, though I cannot understand it. I just wish to smile and hold its hand, but it's harder than I had thought. Maybe it's the concept that with losing so much I cannot be open to the idea. I just can't. I step back and forth over the line, but I can't fully commit. I envy those who are able.
It's a black sea I stand above, the size of the universe it is, and my platform an abyss. The misty air surrounds me in comfort, and the sea below me appears freezing and dark and a fatal possibility. Dark waves crash against the rigid rocks, and I shiver down to my freezing bones within the thought of jumping. Spirit ceases to guide me, I feel it knows this is something to live through and learn myself.
Forever is a long time and time I do hold within my hands, but it's a questionable concept and a matter of my wants and of patience. I know there are those willing to give - ready to jump from their own abyss. It's something I appreciate but do not understand. This is what scares me out of infatuation the most. To know why I do not, it's a mystery within the black sea. I cannot say I'm yet ready to dive in.
Maybe I'm willing to wade in shallow waters, where maybe the sun clears the infamous darkness. The question is if I will take the risk, but faced with confrontation the decision isn't true within my heart. Maybe it's a pure aspect of regret, hating the feeling and matching the physical to the unstable mentality, and then I seek to regret. Later I will still question, then try again. I apologize for my trial and error tactics, but I guess that's the way love within life goes. I'll be the short end of the stick at one point or another, I'm sure, as I feel I already am within the boundaries of myself.
Like a fire, the wood burns and then crashes, summing up to ashes - played with and mangled, but I'll be the angel. Somewhere in the mix I'll be picking up my ashes, replanting the seed for a tree to grow and comfort me. Make them back into wood to burn and we'll do it again, hoping ties will never sever, never something I'm obligated to mend. Hoping sparks will ignite with the flames, never burning down to their very grains. Hoping to feel and seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
where nobody knows
I've decided that I'm not just going to just accept who I've become, but instead work to make myself a better person-- the one I always wanted to be but never quite had the courage to achieve.
Monday, December 14, 2009
I'm sick of saying it's okay ( I'd rather throw up my words)
Won't you smile, if I'm smiling back? That question makes me sound stupid in a town like Aurora. I try to smile nonetheless, but people's negativity are anchors and I am a sinking boat. Don't you ever wish you could always be a child? Happily roaming about. Everything looks so big to you - your sandbox a beach and your backyard a jungle. Careless, without worries, without judgement. There's a word for all of this: it's called being free.
And I don't know if anyone knows it, but this town won’t even allow a freedom within yourself. We're tied down with ropes of judgement and secrecy. Where we are, there's daggers in men's smiles. If one thing happens, you better pray nobody discover, because it's like a disease that won’t rid itself from you. Demons called man will feed the disease to keep the flame to fire. Who are these demons? You think you know who's who until an aftermath resides and in prestigious Aurora, you're the one standing on a stool with a noose as an accessory. They're wishing me death and would care less if it were to follow.
It's beginning to seem as if I have no power within my own life and what revolves around me. And do not tell me this isn't true, because there is not one person in this world who has experienced the utmost damaging cruelties of adolescence as I have. And therefore not one person understands. I want so much to be in good company, but who the fuck do you trust in this town? Everybody knows everybody. And maybe that's considered a good thing somewhere, but it's drowned me with regret and ever constant reminders of who I was and where I've been. Who I was.
See, nobody in this town seems to understand me. Even within their own lives, I wager they've changed indefinitely in various ways from who they've been in the past. Why am I excluded from this theory? Because as hard as I try to show people the real me, they turn a blind eye and slap me in the face. It's a tree of factors. One person turns into 25, and then 50, and then 75 and so on.
One person predicted my fate. As so much I wish to scream bloody murder a 'fuck you' to this person's face, I won’t. Tears would have streaked down my face while doing so. And this person deserves nothing from me, not even a goddamned tear, nor does this person deserve one good fortune. This person revolves around my life because they were the root of the cause.
I'm so sick of saying it's okay, because it's not. I'd rather throw up the words I've previously said saying it is and force hatred down my throat because this fucking person deserves it so. This person fucking ended a happy life as I knew it. This person put a false definition in my name and made others repeat. And now where there's my name one story comes to mind, one word, one degrading aspect of mankind. This person is undoubtedly praised as I'm forced to dig my own grave. I know not why.
Ignorance and constant judgement define this town, but one person planted a seed for this weed to grow. It restraints my limbs and suffocates me, as the person who did the deed smiles in sadistic appeasement. I don't play victim, you forced the role. I did not one fucking thing personally to deserve a disease that so many times has had a frightening attempt to knock me off that stool. Just to get rid of your disease that infests in my life. Nothing is personal or private anymore.
And who's fucking fault is that?
I didn't want to play the blame game, but I couldn't give two fucks anymore.
The people who care don't matter, and the people that matter don't care.
This isn't the end of the world.
And I don't know if anyone knows it, but this town won’t even allow a freedom within yourself. We're tied down with ropes of judgement and secrecy. Where we are, there's daggers in men's smiles. If one thing happens, you better pray nobody discover, because it's like a disease that won’t rid itself from you. Demons called man will feed the disease to keep the flame to fire. Who are these demons? You think you know who's who until an aftermath resides and in prestigious Aurora, you're the one standing on a stool with a noose as an accessory. They're wishing me death and would care less if it were to follow.
It's beginning to seem as if I have no power within my own life and what revolves around me. And do not tell me this isn't true, because there is not one person in this world who has experienced the utmost damaging cruelties of adolescence as I have. And therefore not one person understands. I want so much to be in good company, but who the fuck do you trust in this town? Everybody knows everybody. And maybe that's considered a good thing somewhere, but it's drowned me with regret and ever constant reminders of who I was and where I've been. Who I was.
See, nobody in this town seems to understand me. Even within their own lives, I wager they've changed indefinitely in various ways from who they've been in the past. Why am I excluded from this theory? Because as hard as I try to show people the real me, they turn a blind eye and slap me in the face. It's a tree of factors. One person turns into 25, and then 50, and then 75 and so on.
One person predicted my fate. As so much I wish to scream bloody murder a 'fuck you' to this person's face, I won’t. Tears would have streaked down my face while doing so. And this person deserves nothing from me, not even a goddamned tear, nor does this person deserve one good fortune. This person revolves around my life because they were the root of the cause.
I'm so sick of saying it's okay, because it's not. I'd rather throw up the words I've previously said saying it is and force hatred down my throat because this fucking person deserves it so. This person fucking ended a happy life as I knew it. This person put a false definition in my name and made others repeat. And now where there's my name one story comes to mind, one word, one degrading aspect of mankind. This person is undoubtedly praised as I'm forced to dig my own grave. I know not why.
Ignorance and constant judgement define this town, but one person planted a seed for this weed to grow. It restraints my limbs and suffocates me, as the person who did the deed smiles in sadistic appeasement. I don't play victim, you forced the role. I did not one fucking thing personally to deserve a disease that so many times has had a frightening attempt to knock me off that stool. Just to get rid of your disease that infests in my life. Nothing is personal or private anymore.
And who's fucking fault is that?
I didn't want to play the blame game, but I couldn't give two fucks anymore.
The people who care don't matter, and the people that matter don't care.
This isn't the end of the world.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Maybe
The universe endures in attempts to make me fall to my knees. Why is life so inevitably difficult? It feels as if I'm undoubtedly mistreated for either completely absurd reasons or for no reason at all. Dear Universe, why do you love to watch me fall? To teach me a lesson? There's a moon waning crescent with your name on it, but we seek to call it ours.
Dear Universe, I question those with hatred and why they're here. I feel they're empty souls with purpose to push me off an edge. I fight against it, but they're so determined to win. I'm not in life to play a game or win a contest. So why does it always feel like we're always racing to finish first place? To prove who wrong? They don't know me, but they act like they do. Life puts a twist to my stomach and a clogging valve to the love of my heart. Who do I ask for help? Who is really real?
Some are amused by my life and find it funny, but I rise above and see it sunny. Why are we so twisted and enlightened to dark? I love the idea of angels and declaring Hark, because then I feel I'm not alone.
Somehow, it's in my mind that I'm not alone, but it's in my heart. These empty souls know that I'm faulty from the start. I didn't think they store in able to gain, because I want to believe so much we're not all in vain.
It makes me question so repeatedly as to why we're so cruel, and why people put us up on pedestals. I see death so much differently, a place with no contests, a place where I'm free. But life is a different story, with manmade ideas that seem to fit. Who would ever admit that we ourselves are wrong? That this doesn't belong? A puzzle piece that doesn't quite string along? No one. Would you just say, are you done? Undoubtedly, undoubtedly so.
Why can't we smile and remain without? Maybe being material-less fills us up with doubt. I want to find those who sprout from their roots and see a life without judgement...just without.
People see being without in a negative way, but I see it as weightless days and days. Why does happiness never stay? My guess is because we feel that if we're without, we'll melt from our moulded clay. Being without is stress free, a tolerance of you and me. Nobody else will see so.
I try so hard to be optimistic and happy, but these people drag me down. I want so badly to run away, but what do I prove if I appoint them their crown? Where does it pay off to be so happy with those who hate? Content with those who mistreat? Accepting with those who are cruel? Is it fate? To bring justice to the soles of our feet? To win the duel? To say I'm worthless would you dare, but that's the way it is because life's not fair.
Maybe some say life's a game, but I say it's a maze. We cut through bushes at times with all of the craze. I say that's taking the easy way out, because we're all entitled to harsh and cruel encounters. But the more we just keep walking to seek, we'll find answers in the end. Right now it's dark and windy, and bare branches shiver within their freezing vital veins. At twice and two, I know not what to do. I feel I'm alone in keeping my morals true. As an adolescent, I'm drama prone, and maybe since I sit alone discreetly, I feel alone completely.
Maybe the sun will rise above the clouds soon, maybe to the cruelties of adolescence I'm doomed. Searching, seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe
Dear Universe, I question those with hatred and why they're here. I feel they're empty souls with purpose to push me off an edge. I fight against it, but they're so determined to win. I'm not in life to play a game or win a contest. So why does it always feel like we're always racing to finish first place? To prove who wrong? They don't know me, but they act like they do. Life puts a twist to my stomach and a clogging valve to the love of my heart. Who do I ask for help? Who is really real?
Some are amused by my life and find it funny, but I rise above and see it sunny. Why are we so twisted and enlightened to dark? I love the idea of angels and declaring Hark, because then I feel I'm not alone.
Somehow, it's in my mind that I'm not alone, but it's in my heart. These empty souls know that I'm faulty from the start. I didn't think they store in able to gain, because I want to believe so much we're not all in vain.
It makes me question so repeatedly as to why we're so cruel, and why people put us up on pedestals. I see death so much differently, a place with no contests, a place where I'm free. But life is a different story, with manmade ideas that seem to fit. Who would ever admit that we ourselves are wrong? That this doesn't belong? A puzzle piece that doesn't quite string along? No one. Would you just say, are you done? Undoubtedly, undoubtedly so.
Why can't we smile and remain without? Maybe being material-less fills us up with doubt. I want to find those who sprout from their roots and see a life without judgement...just without.
People see being without in a negative way, but I see it as weightless days and days. Why does happiness never stay? My guess is because we feel that if we're without, we'll melt from our moulded clay. Being without is stress free, a tolerance of you and me. Nobody else will see so.
I try so hard to be optimistic and happy, but these people drag me down. I want so badly to run away, but what do I prove if I appoint them their crown? Where does it pay off to be so happy with those who hate? Content with those who mistreat? Accepting with those who are cruel? Is it fate? To bring justice to the soles of our feet? To win the duel? To say I'm worthless would you dare, but that's the way it is because life's not fair.
Maybe some say life's a game, but I say it's a maze. We cut through bushes at times with all of the craze. I say that's taking the easy way out, because we're all entitled to harsh and cruel encounters. But the more we just keep walking to seek, we'll find answers in the end. Right now it's dark and windy, and bare branches shiver within their freezing vital veins. At twice and two, I know not what to do. I feel I'm alone in keeping my morals true. As an adolescent, I'm drama prone, and maybe since I sit alone discreetly, I feel alone completely.
Maybe the sun will rise above the clouds soon, maybe to the cruelties of adolescence I'm doomed. Searching, seeking to see,
Maybe, maybe, maybe
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Soul'd Out
Written 29 Nov 2009
Sitting on cold concrete, the air reveals my staggering breathing. The cigarette in my hand expands and emphasizes this. I smile in pure terror, a tune without audio revolting my stomach and sending electric shocks through my skin. Do you understand when I say I'm different? I'm not normal? Nobody's normal. I am excited as my heart beats a mile a minute. Do you understand when I tell you what I'm feeling? I don't. Nobody else does either.
It's 3 AM and I lie in bed, something's different about tonight. I feel nothing but my body waiting to float away into dreamland. This doesn't happen. Dreamland comes to me, if that's what I could call it. I don't know what to call what happened. Nobody else knows either.
I drift off, thinking about who I've hurt and who's hurt me. I smile and envy the worthlessness of my thoughts, if only everything were worthless to me. Life would come and go easy, but I've been sent for newer reasons. I know there's more outside of this blue and green sphere, up past the atmosphere. There's so much more that terrifies me and joys my damaged heart. Everybody's heart is damaged. Only they know how. Nobody else would care to understand...
It seeps into my veins tonight, curiously placing itself inside of my eyes. Green flashes come and go, invading my normal darkened vision. Here we go again. Three years of endurance these flashes have haunted me. I don't understand the ghostly green or the translucent vibrations that boast using my shadowed souls. I don't understand this one bit, but I am excited. I want to know more. I'm open to what they give me to see. I want to see more, and more, and more.
But tonight is different from all other nights. Normally, if you could even consider this normal, the flashes change what I see. The flashes turn into revolving items that shift and shape into incomprehensible objects. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. I don't know. Nobody else knows either.
A thin lightning bolt greets me at the end of the room. It radiates with blue and red. I cannot confess I understand because confusion is all that lights my head. My heart is okay.
Things change. I see little lights, they fight for my attention. Almost like fireflies, they drift around the room. I lift my hand. The little bugs sometimes drift like snowflakes, some fly around in circles. Some even try to touch me. When I extend my palm outward, they greet me and gravitate towards me. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. My heart is not okay.
They touch me, but then they turn into white wisps of smoke and rise above to their contender. This cannot be real. I feel I'm insane. The green flashes visit over and over again, but the fireflies never leave, they stay till I am asleep. My tiredness makes me weak.
Maybe what I've seen has never left, but I've chosen ignorance over all other things. Is this a developing momentum or a part of my soul? My soul at the time seems to give away to petty ideas of fleeing from life. Being alone. This town is what sells away my soul. I cling to existence but know not the reasons why. Nobody reveals and keeps their secrets. I sanely spin away into darkness without knowing who or what has greeted me. I want to know more, I feel I've been included into something more, but I don't know what means what. Crowding me with nonexistence and expecting me to believe, though none decieve, it comes more easily to invite. I know this is right but the feeling's all wrong. Nothing seems to quite string along.
I never expected more than what's been given, I know not what keeps me driven. Even if permanent, I feel it's nothing to keep. Liquid components release with every tear I weep. I've sold my soul to nothing but only myself, so why does it feel like I'm soul'd out?
Left me feeling with or without? Time will confess its truths, it's only that of patience which tugs at my heart. It's the key to the locked door I stand in front, or maybe I wait in line. All will prevail in time.
Sitting on cold concrete, the air reveals my staggering breathing. The cigarette in my hand expands and emphasizes this. I smile in pure terror, a tune without audio revolting my stomach and sending electric shocks through my skin. Do you understand when I say I'm different? I'm not normal? Nobody's normal. I am excited as my heart beats a mile a minute. Do you understand when I tell you what I'm feeling? I don't. Nobody else does either.
It's 3 AM and I lie in bed, something's different about tonight. I feel nothing but my body waiting to float away into dreamland. This doesn't happen. Dreamland comes to me, if that's what I could call it. I don't know what to call what happened. Nobody else knows either.
I drift off, thinking about who I've hurt and who's hurt me. I smile and envy the worthlessness of my thoughts, if only everything were worthless to me. Life would come and go easy, but I've been sent for newer reasons. I know there's more outside of this blue and green sphere, up past the atmosphere. There's so much more that terrifies me and joys my damaged heart. Everybody's heart is damaged. Only they know how. Nobody else would care to understand...
It seeps into my veins tonight, curiously placing itself inside of my eyes. Green flashes come and go, invading my normal darkened vision. Here we go again. Three years of endurance these flashes have haunted me. I don't understand the ghostly green or the translucent vibrations that boast using my shadowed souls. I don't understand this one bit, but I am excited. I want to know more. I'm open to what they give me to see. I want to see more, and more, and more.
But tonight is different from all other nights. Normally, if you could even consider this normal, the flashes change what I see. The flashes turn into revolving items that shift and shape into incomprehensible objects. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. I don't know. Nobody else knows either.
A thin lightning bolt greets me at the end of the room. It radiates with blue and red. I cannot confess I understand because confusion is all that lights my head. My heart is okay.
Things change. I see little lights, they fight for my attention. Almost like fireflies, they drift around the room. I lift my hand. The little bugs sometimes drift like snowflakes, some fly around in circles. Some even try to touch me. When I extend my palm outward, they greet me and gravitate towards me. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. My heart is not okay.
They touch me, but then they turn into white wisps of smoke and rise above to their contender. This cannot be real. I feel I'm insane. The green flashes visit over and over again, but the fireflies never leave, they stay till I am asleep. My tiredness makes me weak.
Maybe what I've seen has never left, but I've chosen ignorance over all other things. Is this a developing momentum or a part of my soul? My soul at the time seems to give away to petty ideas of fleeing from life. Being alone. This town is what sells away my soul. I cling to existence but know not the reasons why. Nobody reveals and keeps their secrets. I sanely spin away into darkness without knowing who or what has greeted me. I want to know more, I feel I've been included into something more, but I don't know what means what. Crowding me with nonexistence and expecting me to believe, though none decieve, it comes more easily to invite. I know this is right but the feeling's all wrong. Nothing seems to quite string along.
I never expected more than what's been given, I know not what keeps me driven. Even if permanent, I feel it's nothing to keep. Liquid components release with every tear I weep. I've sold my soul to nothing but only myself, so why does it feel like I'm soul'd out?
Left me feeling with or without? Time will confess its truths, it's only that of patience which tugs at my heart. It's the key to the locked door I stand in front, or maybe I wait in line. All will prevail in time.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Affiliate with No Man's Land
Eyes have sunken in, consistent with tiredness and tears
Solely laced with question within my tender fears.
They burn in salt and delightfully release
The drips of my soul that sadly decrease.
The life of me unstable, there are ups and downs
Can't wait to rid myself of fucking Bubble Town.
The place for superficial and material deceit
I stay any longer and I fall from my feet.
I have no fucking clue as for solutions
Nobody helps and stares in delusion.
Why is nobody as they should like to be?
Forgiving and accepting within their defeats?
Stubborn and careless without a fucking clue
But I can't stay angry at you and you.
I climb over hills for No Man's Land
Neutral, without emotion for me to sub stand.
I hate the fucking feeling, to you I'll confess
Not being able to be mad or happy in this mess
I want so much to put you in your place
Because you only care about saving fucking face.
I know sole heartedly I must rise above
I cannot take place in 'the push comes to shove'.
I know there's a heart and soul content with good
But you've plagued the surface like you stood
Smiling at Satan and turning your back on all sane
Like life is absent-minded and my heart is a game.
I don't know if you feel like you've won
But you're left empty-hearted and your prize is none.
I hope you're enjoying sadistic indulgence
And decide selectively on your specific involvement.
Because Judgment Day comes and you smile at God
Angelically lying to the high like a fraud.
You'll see me on the hills with the dead on one side
Black flowers, dead branches, no rules to abide
Of life, where the other side, full of sunlight
I stand with half and half and my feelings fight.
I want to hate you, I want to hit you.
I want to love you, I want to say sorry.
I know I have nothing to apologize for
Never will my knees hit the floor.
I know I want to smile and say it's alright
Where my soul will brighten and take flight.
Out of my feelings two blend and commerce to one
My commitment to the action is nothing called fun.
You don't deserve my apologies, nor do you deserve hate
Because they're not my decisions to like or make.
You make many, but I make due without
And smile even though I wish to say get out
Of my life and my fears and my hopes and dreams
Because you mean what you say, but never say what you mean.
Just for the record, I'm not okay.
Solely laced with question within my tender fears.
They burn in salt and delightfully release
The drips of my soul that sadly decrease.
The life of me unstable, there are ups and downs
Can't wait to rid myself of fucking Bubble Town.
The place for superficial and material deceit
I stay any longer and I fall from my feet.
I have no fucking clue as for solutions
Nobody helps and stares in delusion.
Why is nobody as they should like to be?
Forgiving and accepting within their defeats?
Stubborn and careless without a fucking clue
But I can't stay angry at you and you.
I climb over hills for No Man's Land
Neutral, without emotion for me to sub stand.
I hate the fucking feeling, to you I'll confess
Not being able to be mad or happy in this mess
I want so much to put you in your place
Because you only care about saving fucking face.
I know sole heartedly I must rise above
I cannot take place in 'the push comes to shove'.
I know there's a heart and soul content with good
But you've plagued the surface like you stood
Smiling at Satan and turning your back on all sane
Like life is absent-minded and my heart is a game.
I don't know if you feel like you've won
But you're left empty-hearted and your prize is none.
I hope you're enjoying sadistic indulgence
And decide selectively on your specific involvement.
Because Judgment Day comes and you smile at God
Angelically lying to the high like a fraud.
You'll see me on the hills with the dead on one side
Black flowers, dead branches, no rules to abide
Of life, where the other side, full of sunlight
I stand with half and half and my feelings fight.
I want to hate you, I want to hit you.
I want to love you, I want to say sorry.
I know I have nothing to apologize for
Never will my knees hit the floor.
I know I want to smile and say it's alright
Where my soul will brighten and take flight.
Out of my feelings two blend and commerce to one
My commitment to the action is nothing called fun.
You don't deserve my apologies, nor do you deserve hate
Because they're not my decisions to like or make.
You make many, but I make due without
And smile even though I wish to say get out
Of my life and my fears and my hopes and dreams
Because you mean what you say, but never say what you mean.
Just for the record, I'm not okay.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
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