Soul'd Out

Written 29 Nov 2009

Sitting on cold concrete, the air reveals my staggering breathing. The cigarette in my hand expands and emphasizes this. I smile in pure terror, a tune without audio revolting my stomach and sending electric shocks through my skin. Do you understand when I say I'm different? I'm not normal? Nobody's normal. I am excited as my heart beats a mile a minute. Do you understand when I tell you what I'm feeling? I don't. Nobody else does either.
It's 3 AM and I lie in bed, something's different about tonight. I feel nothing but my body waiting to float away into dreamland. This doesn't happen. Dreamland comes to me, if that's what I could call it. I don't know what to call what happened. Nobody else knows either.
I drift off, thinking about who I've hurt and who's hurt me. I smile and envy the worthlessness of my thoughts, if only everything were worthless to me. Life would come and go easy, but I've been sent for newer reasons. I know there's more outside of this blue and green sphere, up past the atmosphere. There's so much more that terrifies me and joys my damaged heart. Everybody's heart is damaged. Only they know how. Nobody else would care to understand...
It seeps into my veins tonight, curiously placing itself inside of my eyes. Green flashes come and go, invading my normal darkened vision. Here we go again. Three years of endurance these flashes have haunted me. I don't understand the ghostly green or the translucent vibrations that boast using my shadowed souls. I don't understand this one bit, but I am excited. I want to know more. I'm open to what they give me to see. I want to see more, and more, and more.
But tonight is different from all other nights. Normally, if you could even consider this normal, the flashes change what I see. The flashes turn into revolving items that shift and shape into incomprehensible objects. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. I don't know. Nobody else knows either.
A thin lightning bolt greets me at the end of the room. It radiates with blue and red. I cannot confess I understand because confusion is all that lights my head. My heart is okay.
Things change. I see little lights, they fight for my attention. Almost like fireflies, they drift around the room. I lift my hand. The little bugs sometimes drift like snowflakes, some fly around in circles. Some even try to touch me. When I extend my palm outward, they greet me and gravitate towards me. I don't know what I'm fucking seeing. My heart is not okay.
They touch me, but then they turn into white wisps of smoke and rise above to their contender. This cannot be real. I feel I'm insane. The green flashes visit over and over again, but the fireflies never leave, they stay till I am asleep. My tiredness makes me weak.
Maybe what I've seen has never left, but I've chosen ignorance over all other things. Is this a developing momentum or a part of my soul? My soul at the time seems to give away to petty ideas of fleeing from life. Being alone. This town is what sells away my soul. I cling to existence but know not the reasons why. Nobody reveals and keeps their secrets. I sanely spin away into darkness without knowing who or what has greeted me. I want to know more, I feel I've been included into something more, but I don't know what means what. Crowding me with nonexistence and expecting me to believe, though none decieve, it comes more easily to invite. I know this is right but the feeling's all wrong. Nothing seems to quite string along.
I never expected more than what's been given, I know not what keeps me driven. Even if permanent, I feel it's nothing to keep. Liquid components release with every tear I weep. I've sold my soul to nothing but only myself, so why does it feel like I'm soul'd out?
Left me feeling with or without? Time will confess its truths, it's only that of patience which tugs at my heart. It's the key to the locked door I stand in front, or maybe I wait in line. All will prevail in time.