Thanks

06.16.09

I don't know what's worse
that you don't care or you put them first.
It's so encouraging after the shit I've been through
he left and he's gone and I only had you.

I don't know what could kill me more
you just don't care or pushed me to the floor.
I've tried again and again to hold my head up high
while everyone else looks so satified.

I don't know who or what to blame
was it you or me to start this open flame?
I don't know why I'm singly excluded
I feel I'm from another world, I'm diluted.

I don't know why I'm suprised you let me down
you could always turn my smile into a frown.
These words never seem to come out right
there truthful words always fill me with fright.

All this time I wouldn't pick up the phone
the tought that I needed to be alone
and the fact that when this wish comes true
I'm stuck to the wall like wood to glue.

This feeling of sorrow fills my gut
this pain in my head drives me nuts
If only what I feel I could write on this sheet
nothing can possibly pull me to my feet.

I have so little words with so much to say.
I don't know if it'd be the same another day.
I could cry for no reason or avoid the truth
that such a waste has come to my youth.

I'm so mad at so many, I can't name you all
but thanks for laughing everytime I would fall.
I don't know who in this world I can trust
but keep breathing and living it seems I must.

Nothing can ever go my way, perhaps
I can't find myself even with a map.
I'ts upsetting to think I've fallen below ground
where my screams are muted, I can't hear a sound.

so while I'm buried alive in this dirt,
noone will reason for panic,alert.
If I find my way through these soils
I'll have forgotten my plans and my deams will foil.

Thanks for standing by through all the brawls
It's comforting to know you got your all.
And when I disappear off the face of the earth
I won't have to deal when worst comes to worst.

I'm only ashamed I accepted all your lies
but everybody lives and everybody dies.
When I'm old enough to leave and be finally done
I'll pack my things and just fucking run.

Because for all these years I've been stuck in a place
where nobody wants to see my face.
I've been locked in a cage and I can't reach the key
I don't have an idea of whats become of me.

But when I run and I finally see
that I don't need anyone to agree
I don't need to listen to your pointless pleas
I know that day I'm happy, I'm free.

But just until that day comes and brings
a happiness that will make the birds sing
until that day you ask me a question and I'm due
to answer, it will always be fuck you.

Dear heartache, you're living in the past

06.15.09
Dear You,

Hey, How are you? Don't just say what's on the top of your mind, I really want to know. How do you feel inside? What are your thoughts at this very moment? I barely see you anymore, except for class. I look at you sometimes--you're so unhappy.You smile and laugh with the other guys around you, but I see right through. You're so torn--It hurts me to stare. After everything,I can't just not care anymore. But I can't even speak to you. Literally, we're not allowed to speak. As much as this is stupid to say, I fucking hate it. What happened today? So many times I wished all this stupid shit never happened. I wish it was day one, when we were lying on my bed and you were twirling my hair. Back in grade 8 when we had nothing to worry about, no stress. You kissed my lips and helf my chin. I was so in love. So,so in love with you. I had never felt those feelings before, and you made me so happy all the time. Where did we go wrong? Was it me? so many nights I ask myself the same question. Four months later and I still have to tell myself your not mine. at school, I even forget I can't just run up to you and jump into your arms like old times. After everything, where we are now, you still have a part of me. It'll never leave--do I even want it to? So many nights I've spent wasted and crying over you. Why can't I let go? All the pain and agony we've given eachother, I still look at you like I used to.
It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll never forget you unexpectedly ringing my doorbell and standing there with a dozen pink roses--pink because that's my favourite colour. It still seems so blurry to me, all the shit that's happened. When I think of you, I still think of you as the person you were when we were in love. The tiniest part of me still loves you dearly. I can say that with ease because I know you're never going to read this. I used to tell myself that life is too short to live with regret, but after you, so many times I wished I could take back things I've said and done. Good, what I'd do to hear your voice tell me what I'm imagining telling you. I know I broke your heart, and I know you hate me for it. I know this is just the beginning of going our own ways, but I can't get over it. I never thought this day would come. Ask me where I'd be in 5 years way back when, and first thing I'd say is still with my baby.
I hate this. It hurts so bad. I hate seeing you around. I can't take it.I've had my phone in my hands ready to call you so many times, knowing how much shit I could get in, but I didn't care. I've held back -- I dont want the change, but at the same time I just miss you so fucking bad. All the bullshit, pain and tears we've been through, how can I actually say I miss you? Why the fuck am I sitting here writing something you're never going to see? Why the fuck am I still crying over you? Why the fuck am I asking questions that will never be answered? We were never like anyone else. You were my best friend for so long. Even when I think of all the reasons I hate, It's not enough to take my mind off you for good. The pain isn't worth it, but I can't help it. Everytime I'm awake to see my clock at 3 a.m, I wishI was back in your arms and have you tell me,"everything is gonna be ok." I don't want to be, but just as badly I do. Why?! Fuck, why can I still say I love you? You tore me into a thousand pieces.
Countless nights spent crying over you. I don't know what I want. I never do. I hope this is for the best.. let me go.
Please.

signed,
YS <3