Dear heartache, you're living in the past

06.15.09
Dear You,

Hey, How are you? Don't just say what's on the top of your mind, I really want to know. How do you feel inside? What are your thoughts at this very moment? I barely see you anymore, except for class. I look at you sometimes--you're so unhappy.You smile and laugh with the other guys around you, but I see right through. You're so torn--It hurts me to stare. After everything,I can't just not care anymore. But I can't even speak to you. Literally, we're not allowed to speak. As much as this is stupid to say, I fucking hate it. What happened today? So many times I wished all this stupid shit never happened. I wish it was day one, when we were lying on my bed and you were twirling my hair. Back in grade 8 when we had nothing to worry about, no stress. You kissed my lips and helf my chin. I was so in love. So,so in love with you. I had never felt those feelings before, and you made me so happy all the time. Where did we go wrong? Was it me? so many nights I ask myself the same question. Four months later and I still have to tell myself your not mine. at school, I even forget I can't just run up to you and jump into your arms like old times. After everything, where we are now, you still have a part of me. It'll never leave--do I even want it to? So many nights I've spent wasted and crying over you. Why can't I let go? All the pain and agony we've given eachother, I still look at you like I used to.
It's my birthday tomorrow. I'll never forget you unexpectedly ringing my doorbell and standing there with a dozen pink roses--pink because that's my favourite colour. It still seems so blurry to me, all the shit that's happened. When I think of you, I still think of you as the person you were when we were in love. The tiniest part of me still loves you dearly. I can say that with ease because I know you're never going to read this. I used to tell myself that life is too short to live with regret, but after you, so many times I wished I could take back things I've said and done. Good, what I'd do to hear your voice tell me what I'm imagining telling you. I know I broke your heart, and I know you hate me for it. I know this is just the beginning of going our own ways, but I can't get over it. I never thought this day would come. Ask me where I'd be in 5 years way back when, and first thing I'd say is still with my baby.
I hate this. It hurts so bad. I hate seeing you around. I can't take it.I've had my phone in my hands ready to call you so many times, knowing how much shit I could get in, but I didn't care. I've held back -- I dont want the change, but at the same time I just miss you so fucking bad. All the bullshit, pain and tears we've been through, how can I actually say I miss you? Why the fuck am I sitting here writing something you're never going to see? Why the fuck am I still crying over you? Why the fuck am I asking questions that will never be answered? We were never like anyone else. You were my best friend for so long. Even when I think of all the reasons I hate, It's not enough to take my mind off you for good. The pain isn't worth it, but I can't help it. Everytime I'm awake to see my clock at 3 a.m, I wishI was back in your arms and have you tell me,"everything is gonna be ok." I don't want to be, but just as badly I do. Why?! Fuck, why can I still say I love you? You tore me into a thousand pieces.
Countless nights spent crying over you. I don't know what I want. I never do. I hope this is for the best.. let me go.
Please.

signed,
YS <3