sweet eighteen

"I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees. Stranger than your sympathy, I take these things so I don't feel. Killing myself from the inside out, and now my head's filled up with doubt. It's hard to lead the life you choose, but you can't see when all your dreams are coming true. It's easy to forget, yeah, and you choke on the regrets, yeah. Who the hell did I think I was?"

Standing in the middle, you stand across
I'm wondering if you gain from my loss.
I contemplate turning right back
Your eyes are cold with hair flowing black.
I don't hate you, but you're debating
Whether it's that mind or mine that's yours for the taking.
I smile but it's not recieved
You believe I do decieve.
She strongly believes within her faith
She knows who it is that I do hate.
She's the sealing of my fate
She's everything and nothing I can be.
Her life glows within every inch
I have gaps of that light but makes me flinch
So I miss out on the joy I could've felt
Then deal with the shitty hand fate dealt
Shortly after. She's taller than me
She's all and nothing I want to be.
She has what I want and what I surely need
She knows my selfish take on greed.
She knows what I'm feeling, and so much I hate
That she knows all of my being but nothing to make
Out of what be her morals or what she holds true
Or if there's a memory to me and you
Or if there's a memory of that day
Of if she stayed
Or if he played me.
She knows everything about me but has no mean
To tell or inform, but she's that sweet eighteen.
She begins to befriend and dwell
On the me she once loved and knew so well.
She knows the hardships and sees
That I still stand,
That I keep being me.
She knows my compassion for those who don't deserve
She knows those sweet boys that hit every nerve
She sees the life that I do not
She knows she's right for what she bought
For the price she paid for her abyss,
But I know none of this.
Left within presence that hurts to have doubts
It's eating me up from the inside out.
But apparently she does know better
If she could she'd write me a letter
Saying things will be good, and I will smile
If she could she'd walk me down that aisle
Explain and reveal all wisdom witheld
But she clamps her mouth shut, refusing to sell.
The one thing she told me among skies blue
"It's easy to be blind to your dreams coming true."
She knew, things could result to be more wrong than right
That not everything results with good in your life.
That sometimes, you have to fight for your needs,
And ignore the ignorant full of greed.
She stood with the smile at the end of her visit
Pleased with all that she had witnessed
Of me and what path I walk along
To tell me I'm not wrong.
Some people just don't understand
Sometimes no one will exist to hold your hand.
To keep walking strong and be who you are
And see all they can't - their invisible stars,
They're yours to see.
Just be whoever you want to be.
She is the future, and all she does indeed see
She is the future, she's indefinitely me.
A reflection
That mirrors who I want to be
What I want to mean
When I am that free
Sweet, sweet eighteen.

xoxo