Reviving the Death of the Past

Written December 15th, 2008

"Want to know a secret?" He leans close and whispers in my ear. The halls are empty as classes resume, I have returned from having a smoke from the confines of the school. I have turned the corner and there he is. Him.
I feel like smiling and throwing up at the same time. This shouldn't be happening. I only talk to Him when is necessary. I don't find leisure time to think about him, to speak of or to him. Most definitely not to him. I can't bring myself to, or else I'd feel things I wish I'd never felt. This isn't right, this isn't moral, this isn't true. He shouldmean nothing. But even I know he doesn't.
He leans back from me abruptly, his eyebrows in a knit. "I probably shouldn't tell you." I am frozen; I say nothing. I know what he wants to say. He wants to tell me something about him and me. Something about our past that I just want to bury. Burn. Abandon. Run.
"I don't want to know." I say quietly, and turn to walk away. He grabs my arm, and when I turn to face him, we're inches apart. His breath swiftly brushes my cheek, it tingles making my stomach twist in sickness, yet excitement. Curiosity. I know I should walk away, but my feet lock my frame into place, like fate has sentenced me to this exact moment, despite my better intentions to flee.
"I still have feelings for you." He says softly, determined. He slides his hand down my arm, cupping my wrist. This is everything I do and don't want at the same time. The seconds are ticking by, and I don't want to say anything. Make it or break it. I wish I had time to think.
I know my feelings for him, I know I want him. But she's my best friend. I have another boy in my heart. There isn't room for two. There isn't room for two.
In my mind, I'm standing at the edge of risk cliff. I must make a decision: jump off, or fall back?
"I shouldn't have said that," He says, his voice leaking with doubt. He looks away, his eyes looking pained and angry. The face I remember and sympathize for so well. The face that once meant everything to me. Anything and everything affiliating with that face, He always came to my mind. He never left it. I just always tried to block it from my free conscience.
My head escapes me in all misfortune, fate forcing me to make the move on the board we play, and there's only one thing I can say. "I still have feelings for you, too."
I must remember to regard my heart, and guard my shins. I jump off the cliff, the dance with the devil begins.